1 00:00:07,821 --> 00:00:11,541 [Frank] Now, nobody's saying that Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden, 2 00:00:11,621 --> 00:00:16,581 but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids... 3 00:00:16,661 --> 00:00:18,261 -[grunts] -...who I'm proud of, 4 00:00:18,341 --> 00:00:20,300 'cause every single one of 'em 5 00:00:20,381 --> 00:00:22,661 -reminds me a little of me. -[all gasp] 6 00:00:22,741 --> 00:00:26,460 They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for. 7 00:00:26,541 --> 00:00:28,381 -[Carl] Run, run for it! -[Ian] Quick, Lip! 8 00:00:28,460 --> 00:00:30,660 [Frank] Fiona, who's a massive help. 9 00:00:31,061 --> 00:00:35,021 Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip any more. 10 00:00:35,741 --> 00:00:38,461 Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others, 11 00:00:38,540 --> 00:00:40,381 'cause she's disappeared into thin air. 12 00:00:40,461 --> 00:00:43,141 And Carl, we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons. 13 00:00:43,220 --> 00:00:45,900 One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah. 14 00:00:46,101 --> 00:00:47,381 Two, nits love it. 15 00:00:47,461 --> 00:00:50,540 Debbie, sent by God, total angel. 16 00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:54,341 You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour. 17 00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:59,501 Plus Liam, gonna be a star, once we've got the fits under control. 18 00:00:59,580 --> 00:01:00,501 [screams] 19 00:01:00,580 --> 00:01:06,301 Steve, Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there. Not. 20 00:01:06,381 --> 00:01:08,861 Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica. 21 00:01:08,941 --> 00:01:11,181 Lend you anything. Well, not anything. 22 00:01:11,261 --> 00:01:15,060 But, all of them, to a man, know first and foremost, 23 00:01:15,140 --> 00:01:18,060 one of the most vital necessities in this life, 24 00:01:18,500 --> 00:01:21,221 is they know how to throw a party! 25 00:01:21,621 --> 00:01:23,621 [laughs] Scatter! 26 00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:25,941 [man] Fucking do him! 27 00:01:26,021 --> 00:01:27,780 [dog barking] 28 00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:29,780 [boy] Oi, give us me bike back! 29 00:01:29,860 --> 00:01:31,741 [cyclist] Use it or lose it, fatso! 30 00:01:44,581 --> 00:01:45,581 [Frank] Fuck's sake! 31 00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:52,580 [Debbie groans] I don't know why everybody thinks 32 00:01:52,661 --> 00:01:54,580 Christmas is such a big deal. 33 00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:58,140 What is good about the world standing still, 34 00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:01,860 when the only shops open don't actually sell anything worth having? 35 00:02:02,341 --> 00:02:04,341 [Frank] Didn't think we had a white duvet. 36 00:02:05,021 --> 00:02:07,140 [Debbie] If I hear anyone trying to tell me the point 37 00:02:07,220 --> 00:02:10,421 of it all, I think I'll just punch their lights out. 38 00:02:10,981 --> 00:02:12,781 [voices grunting] 39 00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:15,981 [Lip] Watch it. [grunts] 40 00:02:16,061 --> 00:02:17,621 [man in house] What have you gone and done now? 41 00:02:17,701 --> 00:02:19,301 [woman] What do you mean what have I done? 42 00:02:19,380 --> 00:02:21,421 [man in house] What's the good of me trying to tidy the house up 43 00:02:21,501 --> 00:02:22,540 when you haven't paid... 44 00:02:22,621 --> 00:02:24,701 [woman] I thought he'd fixed the meter... 45 00:02:24,781 --> 00:02:26,661 [man in house] What are you talking about, you, now? 46 00:02:26,741 --> 00:02:28,781 -[woman] Oh, really... -[Lip] Push! [chuckling] 47 00:02:28,861 --> 00:02:32,221 [Debbie] Since our family only ever got bigger, never smaller, right, 48 00:02:32,781 --> 00:02:34,820 Christmas seemed worse every year. 49 00:02:35,181 --> 00:02:37,021 Well, as far as I could see, anyway. 50 00:02:37,661 --> 00:02:40,301 And the more it cost, the more everybody smiled. 51 00:02:40,901 --> 00:02:43,181 It never occurred to them that two days later, 52 00:02:43,781 --> 00:02:45,861 they could have bought everything for half the price. 53 00:02:46,540 --> 00:02:49,461 I mean, it's fine, right, if you can pretend 54 00:02:49,540 --> 00:02:51,421 the earth has gone into hibernation 55 00:02:51,501 --> 00:02:53,741 and the only good things happen once spring comes around. 56 00:02:54,380 --> 00:02:58,301 Not fine if you know for a fact that every Christmas 57 00:02:58,380 --> 00:03:02,260 is as boring as the last one 'cause nothing ever happens. 58 00:03:03,501 --> 00:03:05,901 [indistinct chatter] 59 00:03:12,501 --> 00:03:13,941 [Lip] You! Stop it... 60 00:03:15,061 --> 00:03:16,301 What are you doing? 61 00:03:16,380 --> 00:03:18,100 [Ian] Pushing and pulling... 62 00:03:18,181 --> 00:03:22,540 What is clever about watching a tree dying in your living room? 63 00:03:24,941 --> 00:03:27,941 -[Lip] What's up with her? -Decided she hates Christmas. 64 00:03:28,980 --> 00:03:31,380 [Lip] Come on, hurry up. Let's get it in the house, you dick... 65 00:03:32,461 --> 00:03:34,380 Lip. Got some shopping. 66 00:03:37,420 --> 00:03:38,260 Oi! 67 00:03:39,221 --> 00:03:40,700 [Sheila] So, you didn't see who mugged you? 68 00:03:40,781 --> 00:03:42,301 No, just a bloke. 69 00:03:42,380 --> 00:03:43,501 Big bloke. 70 00:03:44,581 --> 00:03:45,661 [sighs] 71 00:03:45,741 --> 00:03:47,260 Christmas and they take your wallet. 72 00:03:47,341 --> 00:03:49,221 What was the Peterloo Massacre all about? 73 00:03:50,661 --> 00:03:52,301 You haven't got a wallet, Frank. 74 00:03:54,581 --> 00:03:55,420 No. 75 00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:59,941 I'd... just bought one in the pub. 76 00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:03,181 Little crocodile skin. 77 00:04:03,860 --> 00:04:07,501 So I knew how much I had 'cause I'd just transferred 55 quid into it. 78 00:04:08,061 --> 00:04:10,781 No, 'cause you went out with less than a tenner. 79 00:04:11,341 --> 00:04:13,341 I said, "When you get my prescriptions, 80 00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:15,901 can you pick us up a box of formula to practice with? 81 00:04:16,901 --> 00:04:20,300 In case the baby rejects me and I can't breast feed." 82 00:04:20,781 --> 00:04:21,661 [breathes heavily] 83 00:04:22,261 --> 00:04:24,500 And you said, "I've only a tenner, so you'll have to sub us." 84 00:04:25,701 --> 00:04:27,341 -Did I? -Yeah, so you probably sent him 85 00:04:27,421 --> 00:04:28,901 on his way thinking it wasn't worth the effort. 86 00:04:29,901 --> 00:04:31,101 -Have I? -Yeah. 87 00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:33,341 So he won't be trying that one twice, will he? 88 00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:37,221 -No, I dare say not. -Good! 89 00:04:38,620 --> 00:04:40,180 'Cause I've got some news for you. 90 00:04:41,021 --> 00:04:42,981 Me mum's gone doolally, 91 00:04:43,060 --> 00:04:44,981 so our Karen's coming home for Christmas. 92 00:04:45,461 --> 00:04:47,740 [giggles, breathes heavily] 93 00:04:48,341 --> 00:04:50,661 [foot spa clicks, whirs] 94 00:04:52,581 --> 00:04:54,740 [foot spa bubbling] 95 00:04:56,461 --> 00:04:59,461 -[grunts] Right. -This is gonna fit Carl, innit? 96 00:04:59,541 --> 00:05:03,341 No probs. And I tell you what, Debbie's gonna love this. 97 00:05:03,740 --> 00:05:05,861 [gasps] She once borrowed one from school. 98 00:05:06,141 --> 00:05:08,620 -Spent a week magnifying head lice. -Yeah? 99 00:05:09,421 --> 00:05:10,581 [Fiona exclaims] 100 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:16,701 -Oi, oi, no. Oi, not that one! -What is it? 101 00:05:17,461 --> 00:05:21,180 [chuckles] You'll find out when Mr Santa comes. 102 00:05:21,701 --> 00:05:24,101 [laughing] When did you get it? You were never out of my sight. 103 00:05:24,180 --> 00:05:26,461 -Oh, or so she thought. -What shop? 104 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,141 -I'm saying nothing. -Oh, yeah? 105 00:05:29,221 --> 00:05:30,261 Yeah. 106 00:05:31,261 --> 00:05:32,301 [Steve] Get that off. 107 00:05:34,861 --> 00:05:37,180 [Fiona moans] Come here. 108 00:05:39,781 --> 00:05:40,901 [Fiona laughs] 109 00:05:40,981 --> 00:05:42,701 -No! Cut it out. Stop! -[Steve] Whoa! 110 00:05:43,861 --> 00:05:45,380 Carl! Fuck are you doing down there? 111 00:05:45,461 --> 00:05:46,581 I wanted to know what you'd got us. 112 00:05:46,661 --> 00:05:49,101 Why can't you both just wait until Christmas Day? 113 00:05:49,541 --> 00:05:51,461 -I didn't want clothes. -You haven't got clothes. 114 00:05:51,541 --> 00:05:54,060 I heard you. "Will this fit our Carl?" 115 00:05:54,141 --> 00:05:56,380 Yeah. Pair of earmuffs and a big fat nappy. 116 00:05:56,461 --> 00:05:59,620 -Downstairs. -[Carl] Clothes aren't presents! 117 00:05:59,701 --> 00:06:01,581 [truck lift hissing and whirring] 118 00:06:01,901 --> 00:06:05,461 [man] This is his fault, stopping at his girlfriend's in Rawtenstall. 119 00:06:05,541 --> 00:06:07,661 -[man 2] Will you shut up? -[man 1] Well, I did warn you... 120 00:06:08,021 --> 00:06:10,620 Our Barry went to Rawtenstall in 1987. 121 00:06:11,101 --> 00:06:12,221 Not been seen since. 122 00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:14,341 Bloody Bermuda Triangle. 123 00:06:15,021 --> 00:06:16,901 [man 2] This fuel pipe's completely shagged. 124 00:06:17,620 --> 00:06:18,981 We'll have to send for parts. 125 00:06:19,060 --> 00:06:20,380 [man 1] You send for parts! 126 00:06:20,461 --> 00:06:22,021 [Lip whispering] You're a bad man, Kev. 127 00:06:22,101 --> 00:06:23,781 [man 1] How long's that gonna take? 128 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:26,901 [both exclaim] 129 00:06:28,341 --> 00:06:29,221 [Kev] What did I tell ya? 130 00:06:29,820 --> 00:06:31,940 -[Lip] Quick, get that door. -[Kev] Come on! 131 00:06:32,021 --> 00:06:33,500 [Lip, whispering] Here, grab these. 132 00:06:34,940 --> 00:06:35,901 [Kev groans] Here, here. 133 00:06:40,060 --> 00:06:41,261 [Lip] Okay, you ready? 134 00:06:42,661 --> 00:06:43,500 [Kev] Yep. 135 00:06:46,261 --> 00:06:47,940 [Kev] Jez. Jez. 136 00:06:48,701 --> 00:06:51,421 Jez. Come here. Come over here. 137 00:06:52,421 --> 00:06:56,180 [woman] How come you always smell of cheese and onion crisps? 138 00:06:56,421 --> 00:06:59,261 Because I always end up sitting next to you. [grunts] 139 00:06:59,341 --> 00:07:00,261 [woman groans] 140 00:07:00,861 --> 00:07:03,261 ["I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day" by Wizzard playing] 141 00:07:05,101 --> 00:07:06,060 What's in it for me? 142 00:07:06,781 --> 00:07:08,940 Ten per cent of what we take and a couple of joints. 143 00:07:09,740 --> 00:07:12,940 -Grass, skunk or resin? -No. Lamb, pork or beef. 144 00:07:14,060 --> 00:07:17,221 Hands up, anybody who's not collected their meat for Christmas yet. 145 00:07:18,820 --> 00:07:20,701 I know you've heard it all before, girls, 146 00:07:20,781 --> 00:07:23,661 but maybe your Christmases have all come early. 147 00:07:23,740 --> 00:07:25,581 -Bring it in, fellas! -[all cheer] 148 00:07:27,301 --> 00:07:30,260 [Kev] Half market price. Come on, girls, get your meat. 149 00:07:30,341 --> 00:07:32,021 Get your chops round these chops. 150 00:07:32,101 --> 00:07:34,221 -Hey? -[Lip] Beef! Over here! 151 00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:36,221 Leg of lamb and a shoulder of pork. 152 00:07:36,301 --> 00:07:38,260 [Kev] Come on, girls. Hey, if you're planning to... 153 00:07:38,341 --> 00:07:39,620 No, two. Make that two of lamb. 154 00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:41,221 [indistinct chatter] 155 00:07:41,581 --> 00:07:43,380 [Kev] Milk top? You takin' the piss? 156 00:07:44,101 --> 00:07:45,421 Right, here you are. Whoa, whoa! 157 00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:47,901 Got a piece of pork here. Who wants this piece... 158 00:07:47,981 --> 00:07:49,380 It's mine. 159 00:07:50,940 --> 00:07:52,661 [loud chatter] 160 00:07:54,901 --> 00:07:58,581 Fuck's sake. Total shambles. Fucking animals. 161 00:07:59,541 --> 00:08:01,021 [sighs] 162 00:08:02,260 --> 00:08:04,221 See, I don't like what we've become, you know. 163 00:08:04,301 --> 00:08:05,260 As a nation. 164 00:08:06,661 --> 00:08:09,221 Massive pressure. Massive! 165 00:08:10,581 --> 00:08:13,180 People with nothing spend money they can't afford. 166 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:15,901 People with shitloads spend money they don't notice. 167 00:08:16,781 --> 00:08:17,740 And for what? 168 00:08:19,021 --> 00:08:20,940 Little baby Jesus? Is it, fuck! 169 00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:25,180 Sticking money in the pockets of overpaid shites like... 170 00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:28,461 shops! 171 00:08:29,461 --> 00:08:31,700 Keeping you way down the pecking order 172 00:08:31,781 --> 00:08:33,141 in a mountain of debt. 173 00:08:33,220 --> 00:08:36,261 Do you know what the perfect Christmas is for me, Frank? 174 00:08:37,141 --> 00:08:39,861 Not having to listen to bone idle, 175 00:08:39,940 --> 00:08:42,501 miserable old wankers like you. 176 00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:45,261 That's why I bought this. 177 00:08:47,141 --> 00:08:50,381 Make way for a chronic duodenum! 178 00:08:52,181 --> 00:08:53,941 [laughs] Shift! Shift! 179 00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:57,181 With any luck, you'll be dead this time next year. 180 00:08:58,261 --> 00:08:59,460 Smelly old cow! 181 00:09:02,741 --> 00:09:04,901 [laughing] 182 00:09:07,741 --> 00:09:10,541 Oh, does that smell like an old lady's tush to you? 183 00:09:10,621 --> 00:09:13,261 How the fuck should I know? [laughs] 184 00:09:13,581 --> 00:09:14,821 [laughing] You knobhead! 185 00:09:19,141 --> 00:09:21,581 [chatter and laughter] 186 00:09:23,621 --> 00:09:25,821 Hey, listen, you sure you don't mind, mate? 187 00:09:26,340 --> 00:09:27,340 [Kev] Joking, aren't you? 188 00:09:27,661 --> 00:09:29,021 I'm in me element wrapping pressies. 189 00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,421 Our Carl's obsessed, so I can't leave 'em at ours. 190 00:09:31,501 --> 00:09:35,340 Oh, bless him! I tormented me mam, rooting for presents. 191 00:09:35,421 --> 00:09:37,261 Until I looked under her bed and found a kitten. 192 00:09:37,340 --> 00:09:38,421 -[Fiona] Aww. -[Veronica laughs] 193 00:09:38,501 --> 00:09:39,860 -[Steve] Yeah, not wrapped? -[laughs] No. 194 00:09:39,941 --> 00:09:41,741 -[all laugh] -[Veronica] Oi, Kev! 195 00:09:43,460 --> 00:09:44,661 Show 'em your drinks thingy. 196 00:09:49,701 --> 00:09:51,501 [Kev] Looks like an ordinary beer barrel. 197 00:09:51,581 --> 00:09:53,460 -[Fiona] Okay. -[Kev] Wrong! 198 00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:56,901 [laughs] 199 00:09:57,901 --> 00:10:00,181 [Fiona] It's champion, is that! 200 00:10:01,141 --> 00:10:02,980 [Veronica] That's what I said! "Champion"! 201 00:10:04,220 --> 00:10:05,501 It's what you say to kiddies 202 00:10:05,581 --> 00:10:08,261 when their drawing's absolutely fucking awful. 203 00:10:08,501 --> 00:10:09,980 So, where did you get this, Kev? 204 00:10:10,061 --> 00:10:12,781 -I made it. -[all laugh] 205 00:10:12,860 --> 00:10:13,781 -I did. -[chuckles] 206 00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:16,621 ["I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day" playing inside pub] 207 00:10:16,701 --> 00:10:18,061 [Marty] Twat! Mum's a slag! 208 00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:27,581 [all laughing] 209 00:10:29,781 --> 00:10:30,781 [Fiona] Marty? 210 00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:34,220 Oh, no, Marty! Not again. 211 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,621 [Kev] Oh, here we go! 212 00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:37,421 If there's a party, there's a Marty. 213 00:10:37,821 --> 00:10:40,701 -No, I'm on parole. Legit. -[Carol] Out me way. 214 00:10:42,821 --> 00:10:45,741 Jesus, Mum. Look at the state of you. 215 00:10:49,821 --> 00:10:53,781 -[Fiona] You okay, Carol? -You will not believe this. 216 00:10:55,061 --> 00:10:56,541 -Tell 'em! -Never mind me! 217 00:10:58,061 --> 00:10:59,860 He's just burnt my house down. 218 00:11:01,701 --> 00:11:03,501 [Fiona] Oh, my God! You're joking me, Carol? 219 00:11:03,581 --> 00:11:04,501 What about her? 220 00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:07,701 -You're disgusting! -Consenting sex is normal. 221 00:11:07,781 --> 00:11:09,100 Not at your age! 222 00:11:09,181 --> 00:11:11,740 There's nothing wrong with my age. 223 00:11:12,301 --> 00:11:13,181 You! 224 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,781 [Marty grunts] 225 00:11:16,781 --> 00:11:19,141 -[Veronica] Pack it in! -[Carol] Bastard. 226 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:20,860 -[Marty shouting] -Oi! 227 00:11:21,501 --> 00:11:22,941 [all shouting] 228 00:11:23,460 --> 00:11:26,261 [Steve] Carol, Carol! Hey! Hey! 229 00:11:26,740 --> 00:11:30,421 [Carol crying] 230 00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:35,301 Why have they let you out if you're still pulling shit like this? 231 00:11:35,381 --> 00:11:38,061 Significant breakthroughs with the cognitive therapists. [barks] 232 00:11:39,501 --> 00:11:41,261 But you can still torch your own mam's house? 233 00:11:42,261 --> 00:11:44,381 I lets meself in, yeah? Surprise, surprise! 234 00:11:44,740 --> 00:11:46,781 Nobody in. Nips for a leak. 235 00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:50,181 And she's having a jump in the shower with-- 236 00:11:50,261 --> 00:11:52,781 [spluttering] 237 00:11:52,860 --> 00:11:54,301 [spits] 238 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:58,541 Thingy. The redhead. Eddie Singer's middle lad. 239 00:11:59,581 --> 00:12:01,460 -Shaun? -Shaun! 240 00:12:02,740 --> 00:12:06,261 -You were shagging Shaun Singer? -So? 241 00:12:06,901 --> 00:12:08,100 He's only 20 odd. 242 00:12:08,181 --> 00:12:09,740 Yeah, he's a very good-looking lad. 243 00:12:10,181 --> 00:12:11,381 You said I were too old for him! 244 00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:15,061 So I had the nous to offer a cash incentive. 245 00:12:16,021 --> 00:12:18,421 -You paid? -For sex? 246 00:12:18,661 --> 00:12:20,340 It wasn't put like that. 247 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,941 I offered an extra 50 quid to smarten me bathroom tiles. 248 00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:26,141 The message sinks in. 249 00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:28,980 I'm having one of my pleasanter days, 250 00:12:29,501 --> 00:12:32,340 when Fiery Jack turns up screaming the odds. 251 00:12:32,901 --> 00:12:35,821 Then, thick black smoke coming up the stairs. 252 00:12:35,901 --> 00:12:38,301 That's Marty's best mate. 253 00:12:38,381 --> 00:12:40,021 Oh, they're not twins! 254 00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:44,340 -They're like twins. -Yeah, but they're not twins! 255 00:12:45,261 --> 00:12:47,340 -Shaun Singer? -Never mind that! 256 00:12:47,421 --> 00:12:48,941 What about my house? 257 00:12:51,501 --> 00:12:53,421 All your presents were in there. 258 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,181 My entire Christmas. 259 00:12:57,620 --> 00:13:01,860 My whole bloody life. Thank you! 260 00:13:03,381 --> 00:13:05,781 [dog barking, yelping] 261 00:13:10,141 --> 00:13:11,261 [Carol moans] 262 00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:18,381 So we've nowhere else till the council sorts us out, 263 00:13:18,901 --> 00:13:20,220 have we, Pepe? 264 00:13:20,301 --> 00:13:21,781 [Carol sobs] 265 00:13:24,261 --> 00:13:25,661 [Pepe barks] 266 00:13:26,860 --> 00:13:28,061 [Marty screams] 267 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,381 [door bell rings] 268 00:13:35,301 --> 00:13:36,141 [coughs] 269 00:13:36,821 --> 00:13:38,460 [kid 1] Where's all the snow gone? 270 00:13:39,661 --> 00:13:42,381 [kid 2] Me dad says it's cause your mam never paid her council tax. 271 00:13:42,901 --> 00:13:43,740 [kid 1] Oh. 272 00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:53,381 We shift more meat than this in a normal week, 273 00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:54,661 never mind Christmas. 274 00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:58,381 -What if we've over-priced it? -We always over-price it. 275 00:13:59,501 --> 00:14:00,941 -True. -What's up? 276 00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:03,901 Can you redo the labels on these, Ian? 277 00:14:04,661 --> 00:14:07,261 -Knock 50p off everything. -We won't shift it. 278 00:14:09,301 --> 00:14:10,821 Well, there's tons of knock-off flying about. 279 00:14:10,901 --> 00:14:12,620 Turkeys, beef, everything. 280 00:14:12,941 --> 00:14:14,541 Sheila brought us a couple of legs of lamb round. 281 00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:15,901 She only paid about a fiver for 'em. 282 00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,581 -How fair's that, eh? -From who? 283 00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:20,181 Dunno. But everyone's got, 284 00:14:20,261 --> 00:14:22,100 so I don't think 50p's gonna help. 285 00:14:22,181 --> 00:14:23,500 [sighs] That's all we need! 286 00:14:23,740 --> 00:14:26,301 -Right, Price 'em up at cost. -Cost plus 50p. 287 00:14:26,381 --> 00:14:28,381 -Cost. -Plus 25. 288 00:14:28,460 --> 00:14:30,860 Yvonne, if we don't shift this by its sell-by, 289 00:14:30,941 --> 00:14:32,821 it's gonna smell like a bloody graveyard in here. 290 00:14:38,021 --> 00:14:40,421 [Yvonne] Cost plus 25. I'll do a sign. 291 00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,061 [door bell rings] 292 00:14:54,901 --> 00:14:57,980 [Kev] You torched a house, Marty. The police will be after you. 293 00:14:58,620 --> 00:14:59,460 So... 294 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,100 where did you go from the nick? 295 00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:04,980 Bed and breakfast someone told me about. 296 00:15:05,061 --> 00:15:07,701 -Sheila Jackson's. -Sheila and Frank's. 297 00:15:07,901 --> 00:15:10,141 And you never set foot outside the house again that day. 298 00:15:10,220 --> 00:15:11,141 All right? 299 00:15:12,941 --> 00:15:14,781 -Marty? -Yes. 300 00:15:15,301 --> 00:15:16,541 [Marty twitches, grunts] 301 00:15:17,181 --> 00:15:18,220 Bucket of spunk! 302 00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,100 If anyone asks, Sheila, he stayed in his room. 303 00:15:21,541 --> 00:15:24,021 What, our Karen's room? 304 00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:25,941 Yeah, but call it your spare room. 305 00:15:26,661 --> 00:15:29,100 -Veronica! Cops! Round yours! -Jesus! 306 00:15:29,181 --> 00:15:31,021 Right, you'll have to get back to yours. So, if anyone asks, 307 00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,340 you can say Marty lodged with you. All right? 308 00:15:33,781 --> 00:15:36,941 -You okay with that, Sheila? -Yeah, I think. 309 00:15:37,340 --> 00:15:38,980 [Debbie] They'll catch him. They always do. 310 00:15:39,061 --> 00:15:40,701 [screams] No, hang on a minute. 311 00:15:41,821 --> 00:15:44,821 What would he have done for supper if he came round at three? 312 00:15:44,901 --> 00:15:45,740 [Carol] Wasn't hungry. 313 00:15:45,821 --> 00:15:47,340 He's a growing lad. I wouldn't have not fed him. 314 00:15:47,421 --> 00:15:51,381 -Fine, just say you fed him! -No, I don't want it to look bad on me. 315 00:15:51,460 --> 00:15:52,620 Not if I'm charging rent. 316 00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:55,301 -Whatever you like, Sheila! -I'll say I gave him ham. 317 00:15:55,901 --> 00:15:57,661 That's very tasty for the price, in't it? 318 00:15:58,301 --> 00:15:59,740 [laughs nervously] 319 00:15:59,821 --> 00:16:02,421 It is. Oh, thanks. Thanks, Sheila. 320 00:16:06,541 --> 00:16:07,620 [dog barking] 321 00:16:08,781 --> 00:16:10,421 [police officer] Double up and go round the back. 322 00:16:10,740 --> 00:16:13,340 All right? And seal off both ends of the streets. 323 00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:17,021 Jesus, Mam, they're everywhere! 324 00:16:17,301 --> 00:16:18,661 -God in heaven, get a grip! -Ring Steve. 325 00:16:18,740 --> 00:16:20,100 Find out where Marty is! 326 00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:22,620 Get after Sheila, make sure none of this is freaking her out, 327 00:16:22,701 --> 00:16:23,901 'cause she don't look well to me. 328 00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:26,021 If she's the alibi, we'll all be on prison food! 329 00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:28,661 She's bailing you out, so just give it a rest, eh, Carol? 330 00:16:28,740 --> 00:16:30,541 [Veronica] Hey! Don't talk to my mam like that! 331 00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:33,261 You can fuck off an' all. This isn't our problem. 332 00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:34,980 No? And how many of your problems 333 00:16:35,061 --> 00:16:37,901 -have I helped out with? -Veronica, I can defend myself. 334 00:16:37,980 --> 00:16:40,581 Yeah! What you can't seem to do is control yourself. 335 00:16:40,901 --> 00:16:42,541 And you wonder where Marty gets it from! 336 00:16:42,620 --> 00:16:45,541 Excuse me! I've never burnt anything in my life! 337 00:16:45,620 --> 00:16:48,141 Well, you can't fucking cook, that's for sure! 338 00:16:50,261 --> 00:16:52,061 -Sorry, kid. -Me an' all. 339 00:16:58,821 --> 00:17:01,460 All right, we'll take him round to my place until we figure out what's going on. 340 00:17:01,541 --> 00:17:02,821 You don't talk to any of my tenants, 341 00:17:02,901 --> 00:17:04,781 you don't touch anything and you do not offer 342 00:17:04,860 --> 00:17:06,660 anyone a light, all right? Come on. 343 00:17:06,741 --> 00:17:08,900 [police siren wailing] 344 00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:11,981 [Marty] They all for me? 345 00:17:12,261 --> 00:17:13,860 Well, if they want a name, I won't need asking twice. 346 00:17:13,940 --> 00:17:15,660 -I'm here! -What's your fucking problem? 347 00:17:15,741 --> 00:17:18,261 I don't like the way you've always got answers for everything. 348 00:17:18,340 --> 00:17:20,781 Why should that bother anyone? And anyway, I meant him. 349 00:17:20,860 --> 00:17:22,581 My version or the cognitive therapist's? 350 00:17:22,660 --> 00:17:25,581 Or assuming that any suggestion Kev makes is a fucking waste of time. 351 00:17:25,660 --> 00:17:28,461 And that's not about having two sides of a brain that communicate? 352 00:17:28,541 --> 00:17:30,180 So it's my fault I'm dyslexic? 353 00:17:30,261 --> 00:17:33,101 [laughs] Dyslexic my arse, mate. 354 00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:35,061 You're illiterate. It's all right. Admit it. 355 00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:36,180 Get help. Come on, let's go. 356 00:17:36,261 --> 00:17:37,861 You're asking for a twatting now, Steve. 357 00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:40,981 -Oi! -Oi! 358 00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:42,420 [police sirens wail] 359 00:17:42,701 --> 00:17:43,861 [Liam grunts] 360 00:17:44,501 --> 00:17:47,581 [indistinct police radio chatter] 361 00:17:51,741 --> 00:17:53,180 [police officer] This stinks! 362 00:17:57,501 --> 00:17:58,581 [police officer 2] Found one! 363 00:17:59,180 --> 00:18:01,501 [Fiona] They're not after Marty. It's the meat. 364 00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:03,341 They're after the meat. 365 00:18:03,420 --> 00:18:05,141 Oh, shit! 366 00:18:05,221 --> 00:18:07,061 [officer 2] What am I supposed to do with this? 367 00:18:12,021 --> 00:18:13,940 -[officer 1] Tony, wrong way! -[officer 2] Hurry up! 368 00:18:22,781 --> 00:18:23,821 Oi! 369 00:18:25,221 --> 00:18:26,821 -[Fiona] And that. -I've licked that bit! 370 00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:27,781 Tough. 371 00:18:28,021 --> 00:18:29,621 [distant police siren wailing] 372 00:18:29,821 --> 00:18:32,381 -What we gonna do with it? -You're not bringin' it in here! 373 00:18:33,221 --> 00:18:35,221 Don't bin it. Why you binnin' it? 374 00:18:35,301 --> 00:18:37,420 It's knock-off. The meat's knock-off! 375 00:18:37,621 --> 00:18:40,461 Yeah, but nobody pays full price for meat at this time of year. 376 00:18:41,021 --> 00:18:43,021 Yeah, and judging from that turnout, 377 00:18:43,101 --> 00:18:45,420 it must've come from an armed robbery. Or worse. 378 00:18:46,301 --> 00:18:48,461 [Veronica] Shit. What shall we do with it? 379 00:18:49,940 --> 00:18:51,940 [Fiona] Well, we can't chuck it in the bins, can we? 380 00:18:57,660 --> 00:18:58,581 [tyres screech] 381 00:18:58,660 --> 00:19:00,381 -Fuck! -[helicopter blades whirring] 382 00:19:04,141 --> 00:19:06,180 Here, boy! Here, boy! Come here, then. 383 00:19:06,581 --> 00:19:09,061 What's this, then? What's this tasty bit of meat, then? 384 00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:12,341 Just a couple of chops to go. How you doing, V? 385 00:19:13,101 --> 00:19:15,660 -[Veronica] Not bad! Come on! -[Fiona] Come on! 386 00:19:15,741 --> 00:19:18,101 [murmuring] 387 00:19:18,861 --> 00:19:20,061 That's it, that's it. That's a boy. 388 00:19:20,141 --> 00:19:21,821 -Take it! Take it to your mam. -[Fiona] Go on. 389 00:19:36,621 --> 00:19:37,900 [car doors open] 390 00:19:40,501 --> 00:19:42,981 Steve! Where've you been? 391 00:19:43,861 --> 00:19:44,940 What-- 392 00:19:45,420 --> 00:19:46,420 What's he doing here? 393 00:19:46,861 --> 00:19:49,341 -There's cops everywhere! -Never mind the cops. Look. 394 00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:53,381 [vehicle approaching] 395 00:19:54,781 --> 00:19:57,940 -[Fiona] Bloody hell! -[Kev] Jesus wept and died. 396 00:19:58,700 --> 00:19:59,700 [exhales sharply] 397 00:20:00,341 --> 00:20:02,141 [Kev] Bloody hell, it's like Kelly's Heroes, innit? 398 00:20:03,261 --> 00:20:05,221 [commander through loudspeaker] Stay in your homes 399 00:20:05,301 --> 00:20:06,581 with your doors locked... 400 00:20:07,301 --> 00:20:10,501 and your windows closed until further notice. 401 00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:13,420 Everything is under control. 402 00:20:14,461 --> 00:20:18,501 Please do as you're told and no harm will come to you. 403 00:20:19,420 --> 00:20:25,021 This is not a drill. Repeat. This is not a drill. 404 00:20:26,221 --> 00:20:29,501 Stay in your homes with your doors locked 405 00:20:29,940 --> 00:20:31,261 and your windows closed... 406 00:20:31,341 --> 00:20:32,781 Could make the nationals with this. 407 00:20:32,861 --> 00:20:34,541 [officer] ...I need that street cordoned off. 408 00:20:34,940 --> 00:20:35,861 Jump to it! 409 00:20:38,341 --> 00:20:40,541 [commander] Everything is under control. 410 00:20:42,101 --> 00:20:45,581 Please do as you're told and no harm will come to you. 411 00:20:46,021 --> 00:20:47,900 Can't be another bloody gas leak. 412 00:20:48,261 --> 00:20:50,381 [Yvonne] No, I think they're filming. 413 00:20:50,621 --> 00:20:52,861 Oi, is this for Corrie? 414 00:20:53,301 --> 00:20:56,940 No, Corrie only film round here if it's a rape or a siege. 415 00:20:57,021 --> 00:20:58,180 [soldier] ...round the back, here. 416 00:20:58,261 --> 00:21:00,221 [newsreader] News coming in here of an extraordinary story 417 00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:01,581 breaking in Manchester. 418 00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:03,821 Chatsworth Estate has been sealed off 419 00:21:03,900 --> 00:21:05,581 by the Ministry of Defence. 420 00:21:06,621 --> 00:21:09,541 We have a statement here from a spokesman for the MOD. 421 00:21:09,621 --> 00:21:11,581 "Everything possible is being done to ensure the safety..." 422 00:21:11,660 --> 00:21:12,821 What's going on here, mate? 423 00:21:13,101 --> 00:21:15,141 [Justin] Big news today on the Chatsworth Estate in Manchester. 424 00:21:15,221 --> 00:21:19,221 It's been sealed off by the Ministry of Defence. Really. This is not a joke. 425 00:21:19,301 --> 00:21:21,141 It's not April the first. Check your calendars. 426 00:21:21,221 --> 00:21:22,940 I've got some callers on the phone, apparently. 427 00:21:23,021 --> 00:21:24,381 I've got Eileen on line one. Hello, Eileen. 428 00:21:24,461 --> 00:21:26,021 -[Eileen] Hiya, Justin. -[Justin] Hiya. 429 00:21:26,101 --> 00:21:28,581 You've been down to Chatsworth. You've been trying to get in, haven't you? 430 00:21:28,660 --> 00:21:30,021 [Eileen] Well, yeah. I said to the soldier 431 00:21:30,101 --> 00:21:32,301 on the gate, "Excuse me, me dad's lived on that estate 432 00:21:32,381 --> 00:21:35,101 for 45 years, and I've never missed a Christmas meal with him." 433 00:21:35,660 --> 00:21:37,180 [Justin] And were they helpful, the soldiers? 434 00:21:37,261 --> 00:21:39,741 [Eileen] No, he said "fuck off". Can I say, "fuck off"? 435 00:21:39,821 --> 00:21:41,420 [Justin] No, you can't, Eileen. 436 00:21:41,501 --> 00:21:44,301 All right, boys? Stan Waterman, Community Liaison. 437 00:21:44,381 --> 00:21:45,781 Nobody in or out. My orders. 438 00:21:46,660 --> 00:21:49,660 -Chatsworth Estate's my patch. -Hey, who's arguing? 439 00:21:50,101 --> 00:21:52,061 But like Afghanistan, Iraq, Northern Ireland 440 00:21:52,141 --> 00:21:54,261 and Timbuk-fucking-too, you can have your patch back 441 00:21:54,341 --> 00:21:55,541 once we've milked it dry. 442 00:21:56,221 --> 00:21:57,101 All right? 443 00:21:57,781 --> 00:21:58,660 Me mam's in there. 444 00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:02,581 [Tony] Leave it, Stan. Come on. Get back in the car. 445 00:22:03,301 --> 00:22:07,900 [indistinct chatter] 446 00:22:09,420 --> 00:22:11,141 That's it. Go on. 447 00:22:11,981 --> 00:22:14,180 Keep going. Go on. 448 00:22:15,460 --> 00:22:17,741 That's it. Piss off your street. 449 00:22:19,420 --> 00:22:20,900 [chuckling] What a mug. 450 00:22:21,381 --> 00:22:22,261 [siren wails] 451 00:22:22,900 --> 00:22:24,781 [soldier] Get out the way! Out the way! 452 00:22:26,900 --> 00:22:28,141 [tyres screech] 453 00:22:30,180 --> 00:22:31,541 [guns click] 454 00:22:32,821 --> 00:22:35,101 [Tony] We're responsible for social order round here, 455 00:22:35,180 --> 00:22:37,981 so I want to know why I wasn't informed of your silly-bugger manoeuvres. 456 00:22:38,261 --> 00:22:40,180 [commander] Your Chief Constable forgot you existed, 457 00:22:40,541 --> 00:22:41,861 so you weren't cleared for security. 458 00:22:41,940 --> 00:22:44,261 -Oh, can we go? -Not until I know what's going on. 459 00:22:44,940 --> 00:22:45,981 Okay. 460 00:22:47,021 --> 00:22:47,861 Sign this. 461 00:22:51,261 --> 00:22:53,621 Last night, thieves stole two hundredweight of freight. 462 00:22:54,301 --> 00:22:56,180 [Tony] Yeah, all this for a bit of bloody knock-off? 463 00:22:56,261 --> 00:22:57,900 Oh, no, that happens every week. 464 00:22:57,981 --> 00:23:00,301 We tried nipping it in the bud, but they keep the prices very low. 465 00:23:00,381 --> 00:23:01,541 Especially electricals. 466 00:23:01,621 --> 00:23:04,261 -The freight was all meat. -Yeah, it's Christmas. 467 00:23:04,621 --> 00:23:05,741 Easter, it'll be chocolate. 468 00:23:05,821 --> 00:23:08,141 August, it'll be sunbeds and sarongs. 469 00:23:08,981 --> 00:23:11,180 The meat was on its way to an army base in Scotland. 470 00:23:12,781 --> 00:23:14,541 To a Defence Laboratory. 471 00:23:15,501 --> 00:23:18,301 One that specialises in biological warfare. 472 00:23:20,460 --> 00:23:22,981 Which kind of meat we talking about exactly? 473 00:23:23,180 --> 00:23:25,781 All manners of meat. Hinds and rinds, legs and segs, 474 00:23:26,021 --> 00:23:30,341 heads and innards. With "not for human consumption" labels 475 00:23:30,420 --> 00:23:31,261 like this. 476 00:23:32,420 --> 00:23:34,301 That's why we've quarantined this area. 477 00:23:34,381 --> 00:23:35,621 [groans] Fuck's sake! 478 00:23:37,660 --> 00:23:38,940 [mobile phone keypad beeping] 479 00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:46,781 Mum! Don't cook that lamb. Do not cook that lamb because... 480 00:23:48,101 --> 00:23:48,940 Hello? 481 00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:51,541 Well, where's me mum? 482 00:23:52,861 --> 00:23:57,261 [soldier] Casualties arriving with Unit 615: one male aged 25, 483 00:23:58,180 --> 00:24:01,061 a female of 64, married, apparently. 484 00:24:02,061 --> 00:24:04,660 Large number of suspected cases in the same house. 485 00:24:05,021 --> 00:24:06,700 Big family. Massive, actually. 486 00:24:07,420 --> 00:24:09,021 Fourteen kids in cans inside. 487 00:24:09,460 --> 00:24:10,621 All crossed-eyed. 488 00:24:10,700 --> 00:24:11,940 Unless that's one of the symptoms. 489 00:24:12,021 --> 00:24:13,141 Let me check on that. 490 00:24:13,221 --> 00:24:14,581 [Yvonne] Touch it, and you're dead! 491 00:24:14,660 --> 00:24:15,900 This meat is the property 492 00:24:15,981 --> 00:24:17,900 -of the Ministry of-- -The meat is mine! 493 00:24:17,981 --> 00:24:19,101 -Yvonne! -No! 494 00:24:19,180 --> 00:24:21,420 -Let 'em have it! -[groans] 495 00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:23,141 The meat. Let 'em have the meat! 496 00:24:23,221 --> 00:24:25,381 Fuck off! We've lost enough on this as it is. 497 00:24:25,460 --> 00:24:28,981 I am sick of having to compete with knock-off round here. 498 00:24:29,221 --> 00:24:30,660 [soldier] Come on, love, you're being daft. 499 00:24:30,741 --> 00:24:32,741 Hey, bud, I've looked down bigger than that! 500 00:24:33,221 --> 00:24:35,420 Don't corner her, you'll only make her worse. 501 00:24:36,101 --> 00:24:37,021 C'mon, Von! 502 00:24:37,940 --> 00:24:40,420 You mean more to me than a bloody shop. 503 00:24:40,781 --> 00:24:41,861 [soldier] Come on. 504 00:24:42,541 --> 00:24:43,581 Silly girl. 505 00:24:45,501 --> 00:24:46,541 Get out! 506 00:24:49,101 --> 00:24:50,501 Go ahead. It's getting cleared. 507 00:24:52,341 --> 00:24:55,141 [indistinct chatter] 508 00:24:58,981 --> 00:25:01,501 -Yes, Lillian? -Packet of fags, Yvonne. 509 00:25:04,460 --> 00:25:07,581 Couple of scratch cards. But only your lucky ones. 510 00:25:11,141 --> 00:25:12,541 And you wouldn't have any broken biscuits? 511 00:25:17,861 --> 00:25:19,660 Fetch them back, you can have 20 pence off. 512 00:25:24,821 --> 00:25:25,900 Did you mean what you said, Kash? 513 00:25:28,101 --> 00:25:30,821 Not physically, obviously, 'cause... 514 00:25:30,900 --> 00:25:31,940 [door bell chimes] 515 00:25:32,420 --> 00:25:34,700 [Kash] ...but yeah. You mean the world to me. 516 00:25:35,541 --> 00:25:36,420 Course you do. 517 00:25:38,180 --> 00:25:40,621 I've just come to say that I feel a bit rough. 518 00:25:41,621 --> 00:25:43,581 -[Kash] Yeah, you look it. -Thanks! 519 00:25:44,420 --> 00:25:46,301 So I'm gonna give this afternoon a miss 520 00:25:46,381 --> 00:25:48,420 -if that's all right, Yvonne? -Yeah, course it is, love. 521 00:25:49,781 --> 00:25:50,621 See ya. 522 00:25:52,381 --> 00:25:53,541 [door bell chimes] 523 00:25:54,981 --> 00:25:56,940 They're a bit more hammered than what I wanted. 524 00:26:05,741 --> 00:26:07,821 On me, Lillian. Season's greetings. 525 00:26:10,981 --> 00:26:12,021 [door bell rings] 526 00:26:13,940 --> 00:26:15,940 -Did you buy any meat? -What if we did? 527 00:26:16,021 --> 00:26:17,700 Says nothing if we didn't know where it came from. 528 00:26:18,061 --> 00:26:19,861 [Tony] Have you actually eaten any? 529 00:26:19,940 --> 00:26:21,460 [Veronica] I gave most of mine to the dogs. 530 00:26:24,581 --> 00:26:26,420 [Tony] They've just carted a load of dogs away. 531 00:26:26,940 --> 00:26:29,541 A couple of them were half crippled to start with, poor sods. 532 00:26:30,220 --> 00:26:31,460 All dead. The lot of 'em. 533 00:26:33,501 --> 00:26:34,460 [Steve] From what? 534 00:26:37,981 --> 00:26:40,700 Listen, I am in deep shit if they know I'm repeating this. 535 00:26:41,660 --> 00:26:43,341 They made me sign Official Secrets, but... 536 00:26:44,861 --> 00:26:47,101 the meat was on its way from Porton Down. 537 00:26:47,821 --> 00:26:48,700 [Veronica] Porton Down? 538 00:26:49,220 --> 00:26:50,900 I thought that were a made-up place? 539 00:26:50,981 --> 00:26:51,861 You know, with t' rabbits? 540 00:26:52,781 --> 00:26:53,821 Oh, no, that's Watership Down. 541 00:26:54,501 --> 00:26:56,861 [Tony] No, Porton Down. It's a defence installation. 542 00:26:56,940 --> 00:26:58,981 The meat was part of a war games exercise. 543 00:26:59,301 --> 00:27:01,861 It's contaminated with something from Team A. 544 00:27:01,940 --> 00:27:03,261 Then sent for analysis to Team B, 545 00:27:03,341 --> 00:27:04,621 who are given 24 hours 546 00:27:04,700 --> 00:27:06,501 to work out what's in it. Except they can't... 547 00:27:07,301 --> 00:27:08,381 'cause it never arrived. 548 00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:10,501 Contaminated with something like what? 549 00:27:10,581 --> 00:27:11,781 That's the whole point. Nobody knows 550 00:27:11,861 --> 00:27:14,180 until they get Team A back from Christmas leave. 551 00:27:14,781 --> 00:27:15,861 How long's that gonna take? 552 00:27:16,381 --> 00:27:17,460 [exhales] 553 00:27:18,180 --> 00:27:19,781 [Tony] I need to know if any of you have eaten it. 554 00:27:19,861 --> 00:27:20,700 [laughs] 555 00:27:26,420 --> 00:27:28,981 -Eh! You have. -I'd no appetite. 556 00:27:29,420 --> 00:27:31,061 No, you said you couldn't stomach it, 557 00:27:31,141 --> 00:27:33,101 -but you wolfed the lot down. -I never! 558 00:27:33,861 --> 00:27:34,900 Carol, I watched you. 559 00:27:34,981 --> 00:27:37,460 You were still licking the fucking plate while you were doing the washing up! 560 00:27:39,741 --> 00:27:43,021 [Tony] Right. Well, so far, we've had two human fatalities 561 00:27:43,101 --> 00:27:44,501 and 12 people who've gone down poorly. 562 00:27:45,900 --> 00:27:48,061 Now, nobody's sure what symptoms to look out for 563 00:27:48,141 --> 00:27:49,821 apart from nosebleeds and stomach pains. 564 00:27:50,381 --> 00:27:51,581 Colicky stomach pains. 565 00:27:52,141 --> 00:27:54,180 They've set up a field hospital at the junior school. 566 00:27:54,821 --> 00:27:57,981 Everybody inside the quarantined area is going to have to give a blood sample. 567 00:27:58,581 --> 00:28:00,460 Right, you all need testing. Now! 568 00:28:01,900 --> 00:28:03,541 Question. [snorts] 569 00:28:04,700 --> 00:28:06,180 Is anyone out there mentioning my name? 570 00:28:06,261 --> 00:28:07,981 -[Tony] What's your name? -Marty Fisher. 571 00:28:09,261 --> 00:28:10,700 -No. -[tuts, snorts] 572 00:28:11,341 --> 00:28:12,621 Ian! 573 00:28:12,940 --> 00:28:14,900 He's still at work. You'll have to tell him. 574 00:28:14,981 --> 00:28:17,180 He's put himself to bed. Said he was feeling a bit rough. 575 00:28:17,261 --> 00:28:18,101 [Fiona] Wait! 576 00:28:25,301 --> 00:28:26,581 [Jez] Do you know what's going on, Kev? 577 00:28:26,660 --> 00:28:28,220 Fuckin' right I do! They're after the meat. 578 00:28:28,700 --> 00:28:29,541 Where's the meat? 579 00:28:31,021 --> 00:28:33,581 No one can eat it. It's not for human consumption. 580 00:28:33,660 --> 00:28:34,700 [fridge door slams] 581 00:28:36,261 --> 00:28:37,220 Where's all the meat, Jez? 582 00:28:38,180 --> 00:28:39,061 They've cleaned me out. 583 00:28:46,180 --> 00:28:47,781 [Kev] Good man, that's it. Get it up, Felix. 584 00:28:47,861 --> 00:28:49,261 Save some room for your pudding. 585 00:28:50,021 --> 00:28:52,301 All right, thank you, yeah. You've had enough, yeah. 586 00:28:52,381 --> 00:28:55,141 Got darts coming up now, so we gotta clear this place. Yeah, good. 587 00:28:55,220 --> 00:28:56,900 [man] Hey up, that's my bloody dinner. 588 00:28:56,980 --> 00:28:58,781 -[Kev] How's your Kevin-- -[man 2] What you playin' at? 589 00:28:58,861 --> 00:29:00,660 -[Kev] Okay. You on a diet? -[woman] What's your game? 590 00:29:00,741 --> 00:29:02,861 That's our dinner, that is. We paid for that. 591 00:29:02,940 --> 00:29:03,861 [Kev] That's it, good. 592 00:29:04,341 --> 00:29:06,660 [man] Take your shot, then. Hey up, what's going on? 593 00:29:07,061 --> 00:29:08,541 I need to see your kitchens, ma'am. 594 00:29:09,541 --> 00:29:10,940 Not without a warrant, you don't. 595 00:29:11,021 --> 00:29:13,301 Tip for you, mate. Only speak if you don't need your face. 596 00:29:20,821 --> 00:29:21,660 All right, Felix? 597 00:29:23,420 --> 00:29:24,420 All right, me old mate? 598 00:29:41,861 --> 00:29:42,861 Come on, look at him. 599 00:29:43,180 --> 00:29:45,420 He has to be in a hospital, a proper hospital. 600 00:29:45,821 --> 00:29:47,541 That's not possible. We can't break the quarantine. 601 00:29:47,621 --> 00:29:49,940 -But he's burning up. -[medic] I'll get his temperature down. 602 00:29:50,460 --> 00:29:52,341 We'll keep him supervised on a regular basis. 603 00:29:52,420 --> 00:29:53,381 Yeah, right, with saline? 604 00:29:53,460 --> 00:29:54,621 What bloody good's that gonna to do? 605 00:29:54,700 --> 00:29:57,900 It's the only thing we dare use until we can identify the contamination. 606 00:29:57,980 --> 00:30:00,621 Well, you lot put it there. You should fucking know what's in it. 607 00:30:00,861 --> 00:30:03,141 -[medic] Where've you heard that? -It's all right. It's all right. 608 00:30:05,660 --> 00:30:07,061 It's just a rumour someone started. 609 00:30:08,541 --> 00:30:10,581 All right, Ian, gonna need your other arm. 610 00:30:10,660 --> 00:30:11,980 I need to take a blood sample. 611 00:30:14,101 --> 00:30:15,141 Only a small sting. 612 00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:17,061 I'll be as gentle as I can. 613 00:30:22,821 --> 00:30:26,101 [soldier] Listen, just form an orderly queue. All right? Keep in line. 614 00:30:26,180 --> 00:30:27,420 Jesus, Peebles! 615 00:30:28,541 --> 00:30:30,220 It's like a worn-out gene pool. 616 00:30:33,581 --> 00:30:35,061 None of the women comb their hair at the back. 617 00:30:36,021 --> 00:30:37,220 Is that a religious thing? 618 00:30:37,980 --> 00:30:38,980 [corporal] Not sure, sir. 619 00:30:39,581 --> 00:30:41,301 I'll make it my business to find out, sir. 620 00:30:41,381 --> 00:30:46,180 "Oh, little men dressed in brief authority." 621 00:30:47,660 --> 00:30:51,501 Eh? 19th century, Shakespeare. Plus other stuff. 622 00:30:51,581 --> 00:30:52,660 So don't think you're hard. 623 00:30:53,381 --> 00:30:56,861 "Never poke your cousin if you can't find a cardigan with three sleeves." 624 00:30:57,660 --> 00:30:59,861 Socrates. 400 B.C. 625 00:31:02,301 --> 00:31:03,420 [Frank] You didn't know that. 626 00:31:04,940 --> 00:31:05,781 Or you. 627 00:31:07,741 --> 00:31:08,980 Somebody must have poked a bloody goat 628 00:31:09,061 --> 00:31:10,501 -to come up with that one! -Sir. 629 00:31:16,700 --> 00:31:18,541 Vernon Francis Gallagher. 630 00:31:18,621 --> 00:31:22,141 "Vernons" as in pools, though I've never won a fucking bean. 631 00:31:22,220 --> 00:31:24,861 I used to be a blood donor till they stopped me 'cause I got slightly addicted. 632 00:31:25,980 --> 00:31:28,061 Out with the old, in with the new. [laughs] 633 00:31:29,061 --> 00:31:32,101 It's quite seductive in a way. Don't you think? 634 00:31:33,501 --> 00:31:37,301 So, are you taking any regular medication at all, Sheila? 635 00:31:37,381 --> 00:31:38,741 Well, as a matter of fact, I am. 636 00:31:39,101 --> 00:31:41,900 [Frank] Hey! No way! BCG in third year. 637 00:31:42,101 --> 00:31:43,141 I'm still having nightmares. 638 00:31:44,141 --> 00:31:46,061 Passed out, woke up colour-blind. 639 00:31:46,501 --> 00:31:49,220 Can't tell the difference between Dexedrine and Nurofen, 640 00:31:49,301 --> 00:31:52,660 which, you know, round here, bastards take advantage of. 641 00:31:52,740 --> 00:31:53,781 [medic] You just stay still-- 642 00:31:53,861 --> 00:31:55,781 [Frank] You are not coming near me with that. 643 00:31:56,980 --> 00:31:57,940 [screams] 644 00:32:00,301 --> 00:32:01,220 Fat cow. 645 00:32:02,501 --> 00:32:05,220 On the plus side, I've got 20/20 vision, you know, 646 00:32:05,621 --> 00:32:08,341 so with all... [trails off, babbling] 647 00:32:08,420 --> 00:32:09,581 [medic] ...gently down. 648 00:32:09,660 --> 00:32:11,061 [Steve] If you know it's not airborne, 649 00:32:11,141 --> 00:32:12,700 where's the problem in letting us off the estate? 650 00:32:12,781 --> 00:32:14,261 [medic 2] Until we know the level of contagion, 651 00:32:14,341 --> 00:32:16,220 Christmas isn't a good time to send people off 652 00:32:16,301 --> 00:32:18,660 kissing their relatives. -[Steve] Fair point. 653 00:32:18,740 --> 00:32:20,021 What's Ian's blood test saying? 654 00:32:20,781 --> 00:32:24,341 Well, nothing helpful yet, but please just believe me, 655 00:32:24,420 --> 00:32:25,581 none of us want to be here either. 656 00:32:26,381 --> 00:32:28,781 The only mortalities so far have occurred in people 657 00:32:28,861 --> 00:32:31,980 with a history of diabetes or chronically high blood pressure. 658 00:32:32,061 --> 00:32:34,341 Now, Ian's 15, no medical complications, 659 00:32:34,420 --> 00:32:36,621 that's all I can say for sure. Okay? 660 00:32:36,700 --> 00:32:38,740 -I won't say you said. -[Carol screams] 661 00:32:40,740 --> 00:32:41,980 Mam? Mam! 662 00:32:42,301 --> 00:32:44,581 -[Marty] What's up with her? -[Veronica] It's not fucking flu, is it? 663 00:32:44,660 --> 00:32:46,021 [Carol sobs] Pepe! 664 00:32:46,101 --> 00:32:47,381 [Pepe whining] 665 00:32:47,460 --> 00:32:50,261 If you let this happen, we're finished. 666 00:32:51,021 --> 00:32:54,141 [Carol sobs] 667 00:32:55,700 --> 00:33:00,660 Swear to me you won't cut him open! [wails] 668 00:33:02,740 --> 00:33:05,581 [sobs] Pepe. Pepe. 669 00:33:14,501 --> 00:33:15,621 [indistinct chatter] 670 00:33:25,581 --> 00:33:28,061 -You! You fuckin'-- -Hey, hey, no. 671 00:33:28,141 --> 00:33:29,940 -Hang on a minute, Stan. -He caused all this! 672 00:33:30,381 --> 00:33:32,541 Him! That's where we got the meat from. 673 00:33:32,621 --> 00:33:34,021 -[Veronica] Kev! -[Stan] A fiver 674 00:33:34,101 --> 00:33:35,700 -for a shoulder of lamb. -[man wretches] 675 00:33:35,781 --> 00:33:38,141 And worth it, was it, Kev, eh? Nice little wedge? 676 00:33:50,261 --> 00:33:51,541 Help us out, Lip. 677 00:33:58,061 --> 00:33:58,900 Little shit! 678 00:34:01,381 --> 00:34:02,301 [all clamouring] 679 00:34:02,381 --> 00:34:03,940 -[man] He can't get out! -[Stan] Come here! 680 00:34:04,021 --> 00:34:05,381 [indistinct arguing] 681 00:34:06,021 --> 00:34:07,420 -[commander] Bring him in. -Sir. 682 00:34:10,820 --> 00:34:12,220 Merry fucking Christmas! 683 00:34:18,220 --> 00:34:21,740 -[dog toy squeaks] -[cries] 684 00:34:22,061 --> 00:34:23,300 [Marty] Sorry, Mam. 685 00:34:24,381 --> 00:34:25,340 Yes, I know. 686 00:34:26,141 --> 00:34:27,501 'Cause you caused this! 687 00:34:30,740 --> 00:34:31,660 [Marty barks] 688 00:34:34,101 --> 00:34:37,901 I've been sent down three times. When did you cry for me? 689 00:34:39,820 --> 00:34:44,220 Apart from worms and diarrhoea, when did Pepe ever let me down? 690 00:34:44,300 --> 00:34:45,820 They've a brain about this big. 691 00:34:46,501 --> 00:34:47,621 What difference does that make 692 00:34:47,700 --> 00:34:50,340 when the brain you've got's wired like an old Allegro? 693 00:34:54,501 --> 00:34:55,541 [twitches, grunts] 694 00:34:56,300 --> 00:34:58,381 [commander] I'm not interested in how little you made on it. 695 00:34:58,461 --> 00:35:00,300 We need to know as a matter of urgency 696 00:35:00,381 --> 00:35:02,581 whether any of it was sold outside the community. 697 00:35:05,581 --> 00:35:07,340 Well, not sold, but... 698 00:35:08,501 --> 00:35:10,820 I took a rack of lamb round to me Aunty Pat's in Denton. 699 00:35:10,901 --> 00:35:11,860 Address? 700 00:35:13,701 --> 00:35:15,381 Is she likely to have shared it with anyone else? 701 00:35:16,181 --> 00:35:17,461 Pat? No way. 702 00:35:18,221 --> 00:35:21,421 Only thing she's given anyone in 50 years is herpes. 703 00:35:22,501 --> 00:35:26,261 ♪ What's love got to do Got to do with it ♪ 704 00:35:26,701 --> 00:35:32,141 ♪ Who needs a heart When a heart can be broken ♪ 705 00:35:32,461 --> 00:35:34,300 -[purrs] -[men jeering] 706 00:35:34,701 --> 00:35:36,820 Sorry, sorry. I must apologize. 707 00:35:37,221 --> 00:35:38,061 Never mind. 708 00:35:38,381 --> 00:35:39,340 Ah, keep going. 709 00:35:40,101 --> 00:35:41,101 [crowd exclaims] 710 00:35:42,141 --> 00:35:43,061 [camera clicks] 711 00:35:43,141 --> 00:35:44,741 -[Veronica] Come here! -[Kev] What? 712 00:35:46,381 --> 00:35:48,701 You're a fucking liar, 'cause everyone round here knows 713 00:35:48,780 --> 00:35:52,501 -it was you! -Fine, okay. Me. Me and Lip. 714 00:35:52,860 --> 00:35:54,340 But not because we knew what it was. 715 00:35:54,701 --> 00:35:57,461 -So? -So, we just thought it was fucking meat. 716 00:35:58,300 --> 00:35:59,741 Where's the money? 717 00:36:00,581 --> 00:36:02,701 -You're wearing most of it. -What? 718 00:36:03,701 --> 00:36:06,101 How much do you think lace crotchless panties cost, V? 719 00:36:08,101 --> 00:36:10,261 [Veronica] Right, Kev, that's the last beef curtain 720 00:36:10,340 --> 00:36:13,860 you'll be seeing in a long time. Where's the rest of it? 721 00:36:16,860 --> 00:36:18,181 [coins jingling] 722 00:36:21,981 --> 00:36:23,261 [Veronica] This money's got blood on it. 723 00:36:23,901 --> 00:36:25,061 You're in deep shit 724 00:36:25,381 --> 00:36:26,780 and everybody wants you dead, Kev. 725 00:36:28,340 --> 00:36:31,661 This is all your fault. Twisted shit. 726 00:36:31,741 --> 00:36:34,621 Yeah, I know. Everything is. Pepe. [barks] 727 00:36:34,860 --> 00:36:37,621 Arndale Centre, crucifixion, miners' strike. 728 00:36:37,901 --> 00:36:39,021 Fine. Bring it on! 729 00:36:49,541 --> 00:36:50,621 [blows] 730 00:36:58,340 --> 00:36:59,261 Can I get you anything? 731 00:37:04,820 --> 00:37:06,141 I could skin up if it'll help. 732 00:37:07,780 --> 00:37:08,621 No. 733 00:37:22,101 --> 00:37:24,021 Ian, I'm really sorry. This is my fault. 734 00:37:27,380 --> 00:37:29,340 The meat, it was me. Me and Kev. 735 00:37:29,421 --> 00:37:31,021 We ripped a lorry off on the bypass. 736 00:37:31,820 --> 00:37:33,901 -[sighs] -Well, it... 737 00:37:35,661 --> 00:37:36,901 it was just for a laugh. 738 00:37:38,701 --> 00:37:41,141 I promise you, we're gonna get you to a proper hospital. 739 00:37:41,981 --> 00:37:44,101 I don't care what I have to do, honestly, Ian. 740 00:37:44,181 --> 00:37:46,340 I'd do anything for you not to be laid here like this. 741 00:37:50,541 --> 00:37:51,380 I'm sorry. 742 00:37:56,941 --> 00:37:58,501 [helicopter blades whirring] 743 00:38:05,101 --> 00:38:06,860 [man over radio] Breaker in Sector Nine. 744 00:38:06,941 --> 00:38:08,141 Coming over the roof. 745 00:38:12,181 --> 00:38:15,221 [corporal] Whoa. Keep walking. Just keep walking. 746 00:38:15,300 --> 00:38:17,380 No, not towards me, darling. The other way. 747 00:38:19,181 --> 00:38:20,181 How old are you, Debbie? 748 00:38:20,860 --> 00:38:23,021 [Debbie] Eleven. Well, 11 if you ask me dad, 749 00:38:23,101 --> 00:38:24,141 12 if you ask my mum. 750 00:38:25,061 --> 00:38:27,141 -Where were you going? -Shopping. 751 00:38:27,661 --> 00:38:28,901 [commander] At 01:25? 752 00:38:30,901 --> 00:38:32,501 Trafford Centre's open all night for Christmas, 753 00:38:32,581 --> 00:38:33,860 and they're laying free buses on. 754 00:38:34,181 --> 00:38:37,380 I've six presents still to buy, and it's Christmas tomorrow, so... 755 00:38:37,461 --> 00:38:40,061 [commander] You knew perfectly well that you were leaving a restricted zone. 756 00:38:40,820 --> 00:38:43,021 You've lied to my officers, and you're lying to me. 757 00:38:44,820 --> 00:38:46,901 Okay, I've five presents to buy. 758 00:38:47,421 --> 00:38:48,780 I gave Carl something I got last year. 759 00:38:49,101 --> 00:38:51,380 But it's still got the price on, so it looks spanking new. 760 00:38:51,461 --> 00:38:53,461 'Cause he loves driving, but everyone round here 761 00:38:53,541 --> 00:38:55,901 keeps their batteries dead to stop twockers going ape. 762 00:38:56,581 --> 00:38:57,701 A pair of jump leads. 763 00:38:59,340 --> 00:39:01,701 Please, can somebody help me out here? 764 00:39:02,021 --> 00:39:03,221 Yes, sir, I'm from round these parts. 765 00:39:03,661 --> 00:39:05,061 [Debbie] Oh, are you playing maisonette? 766 00:39:05,461 --> 00:39:07,981 -No, pontoon. -Oh, we call it maisonette. 767 00:39:08,061 --> 00:39:09,981 'Cause when you turn 21, that's what you get off the council. 768 00:39:10,941 --> 00:39:11,780 [all laugh] 769 00:39:21,261 --> 00:39:23,261 There's three cameras covering the causeway, 770 00:39:23,621 --> 00:39:27,181 two monitoring Denver Road, and about 3,000 soldiers 771 00:39:27,261 --> 00:39:28,941 -on Plymouth Street. -All right. Come on, Debbie. 772 00:39:30,101 --> 00:39:32,101 About 100. But at least 100. 773 00:39:32,181 --> 00:39:33,860 And they didn't shove you around? 774 00:39:33,941 --> 00:39:36,461 No. I got a tuna salad and I won a fiver on maisonette! 775 00:39:38,061 --> 00:39:39,581 [Fiona] Debbie, did you get anything or not? 776 00:39:44,181 --> 00:39:45,181 Yes! 777 00:39:46,820 --> 00:39:49,141 [Debbie] They don't have normal number plates, just the number on the tag. 778 00:39:49,741 --> 00:39:51,701 [Steve] Right, let's get Ian out of here as fast as possible. 779 00:39:51,780 --> 00:39:53,380 If we spread out, we'll find the vehicle faster. 780 00:39:53,461 --> 00:39:54,901 Lip, you'll have to take Kev with you. 781 00:39:54,981 --> 00:39:56,581 Tell him to keep his face covered or he's dead. 782 00:39:56,661 --> 00:39:57,701 Marty, you go with them. 783 00:39:57,780 --> 00:39:59,380 I'm sure you can start a distraction if we need one. 784 00:39:59,461 --> 00:40:02,501 Fiona, you best tell Ian what's happening so he doesn't freak out. All right? 785 00:40:02,780 --> 00:40:04,901 [Sheila laughs] Oh, dear! 786 00:40:06,221 --> 00:40:08,621 -[Fiona] Sheila? -[panting] Oh, it's okay. 787 00:40:09,300 --> 00:40:11,421 -[laughing] He just kicked. -"He"? 788 00:40:11,780 --> 00:40:14,421 -He? So you know it's a boy? -Oh, God! 789 00:40:14,941 --> 00:40:16,981 That was supposed to be a big secret. 790 00:40:17,461 --> 00:40:20,261 Nice, deep breaths. Mam, brandy! 791 00:40:21,101 --> 00:40:22,061 [Sheila] Don't tell your dad. 792 00:40:22,780 --> 00:40:23,901 It's supposed to be a big surprise. 793 00:40:24,380 --> 00:40:26,261 [Debbie] Have you got a name for him yet? 794 00:40:26,340 --> 00:40:27,221 Yeah. 795 00:40:29,021 --> 00:40:30,380 If we ever get that far. [sobs] 796 00:40:30,461 --> 00:40:33,101 [Fiona] Oh, don't talk like that, Sheila, sweetheart. 797 00:40:33,380 --> 00:40:34,901 [Sheila] What if I've passed something on to him? 798 00:40:35,741 --> 00:40:36,741 Through the meat? 799 00:40:37,380 --> 00:40:39,860 [grunts, screams] 800 00:40:42,141 --> 00:40:43,221 Bucket biff! 801 00:40:44,501 --> 00:40:47,581 According to Conrad, the meat's come from Al-Qaeda. 802 00:40:48,061 --> 00:40:50,581 And if they scan the barcode, it comes up in Arabic. 803 00:40:51,061 --> 00:40:53,421 I mean, I'm not being a racist... 804 00:40:54,101 --> 00:40:55,780 but they're a fucking nightmare that lot. 805 00:40:55,981 --> 00:40:57,581 -[Frank] One more! -No! 806 00:40:57,661 --> 00:41:01,101 -One more, Jez, please! -No! Four units each, 807 00:41:01,181 --> 00:41:03,061 and that's your lot. Otherwise, we'll be dry by tomorrow 808 00:41:03,141 --> 00:41:04,661 if I can't get another delivery through. 809 00:41:05,501 --> 00:41:09,621 Hello! If you name your price, you could shift the lot tonight. 810 00:41:09,701 --> 00:41:11,340 Hello! If I ration it, 811 00:41:11,661 --> 00:41:14,141 I could name twice me price tomorrow. 812 00:41:14,221 --> 00:41:15,461 [men clamouring] 813 00:41:15,541 --> 00:41:17,501 -Robbin' bitch! -On your way! 814 00:41:17,741 --> 00:41:19,021 [woman] All right, I said, I'm coming! 815 00:41:19,981 --> 00:41:22,221 Bottle. Little bottle to be going on with. 816 00:41:22,741 --> 00:41:24,021 [Jez] There you go! 817 00:41:24,421 --> 00:41:27,261 [men clamouring] 818 00:41:31,340 --> 00:41:33,661 -[cash register dings] -[door bell rings] 819 00:41:34,380 --> 00:41:35,661 [Fiona] Kash, I need to speak to your mum. 820 00:41:35,741 --> 00:41:37,581 Hey, where's your Ian? We need a hand round here. 821 00:41:37,661 --> 00:41:39,340 They've had to ration the booze at the pub 822 00:41:39,421 --> 00:41:40,780 'cause they can't get a delivery through. 823 00:41:41,061 --> 00:41:44,181 I've stuck a quid on the price of everything. And look! 824 00:41:44,261 --> 00:41:46,021 I can say it out loud and not one peep. 825 00:41:46,340 --> 00:41:49,340 Oi! Form an orderly queue or you're getting fuck all! 826 00:41:49,421 --> 00:41:51,541 -[woman] Ta, Yvonne. -Merry Christmas, love 827 00:41:51,820 --> 00:41:53,221 Where's your mum, Kash? 828 00:41:53,300 --> 00:41:55,541 Upstairs, helping the kids count the money to keep them calm. 829 00:41:55,621 --> 00:41:57,621 -Why? -Sheila's gone into labour. 830 00:41:57,701 --> 00:41:59,541 Plus, Ian's in a right state. 831 00:42:04,701 --> 00:42:07,061 Can somebody change the wallpaper? 832 00:42:07,141 --> 00:42:08,661 It's doing my head in! 833 00:42:08,981 --> 00:42:11,021 -You're really hurting my hand, Sheila. -[screams] 834 00:42:11,101 --> 00:42:15,221 -Sheila, this is Umi. -It's okay, Sheila. Keep calm. 835 00:42:15,300 --> 00:42:16,221 [Sheila grunting] 836 00:42:16,541 --> 00:42:19,300 -She's a midwife. -She's not just saying that? 837 00:42:19,380 --> 00:42:21,541 [laughs] Why would I say it if it wasn't true? 838 00:42:21,621 --> 00:42:22,621 I don't know! 839 00:42:23,581 --> 00:42:27,501 No, don't push. Just breathe round it. 840 00:42:27,581 --> 00:42:30,021 I had a dentist once who turned out to be a brickie, 841 00:42:30,501 --> 00:42:33,941 -so I'm a bit phobic! -Stop pushing! 842 00:42:35,300 --> 00:42:37,141 [corporal] Look, just keep back like I said. 843 00:42:38,141 --> 00:42:39,981 [woman] Listen, if I don't get this giro cashed, 844 00:42:40,061 --> 00:42:41,380 I'm gonna have nothing to feed my kids. 845 00:42:41,701 --> 00:42:44,340 This is from a week back. Why didn't you cash it then? 846 00:42:44,421 --> 00:42:46,820 Because it's not in my name, I've had to work 847 00:42:46,901 --> 00:42:50,101 on the signature, smart arse! What? Cheers! 848 00:42:50,181 --> 00:42:52,101 What? Starving children and you're not gonna let me through? 849 00:42:52,181 --> 00:42:54,541 Yeah, cheers. You too as well, mate. 850 00:42:54,621 --> 00:42:55,941 And that's it for you, man. 851 00:42:56,501 --> 00:42:57,780 [Kev] It'll be all right. Stay cool. 852 00:43:00,581 --> 00:43:04,061 [indistinct chatter] 853 00:43:06,061 --> 00:43:08,101 [people clamouring] 854 00:43:09,621 --> 00:43:10,780 It's there! 855 00:43:13,101 --> 00:43:15,461 -Fuck's sake, that's hopeless. -I know. 856 00:43:16,261 --> 00:43:18,221 [Lip] I can't believe it's on the wrong side 857 00:43:18,300 --> 00:43:20,061 -of the fucking fence! -[Marty] It's great, this. 858 00:43:22,061 --> 00:43:24,181 [clamouring continues] 859 00:43:25,661 --> 00:43:26,501 [Karen] Lip? 860 00:43:28,261 --> 00:43:29,340 What's going on? 861 00:43:30,461 --> 00:43:32,141 Your mum's gone into labour. 862 00:43:32,221 --> 00:43:34,380 -Right. Let me through! -[corporal] Nobody in or out. 863 00:43:34,461 --> 00:43:35,581 I want me mum! 864 00:43:35,981 --> 00:43:38,340 It's for your own safety, love. Stay where you are, eh? 865 00:43:38,421 --> 00:43:39,380 [Lip] Karen! 866 00:43:46,101 --> 00:43:47,981 [soldier] It's no point giving it all that... 867 00:43:51,541 --> 00:43:54,181 [Hippy Pete] I didn't say Swindon, I said Swinton. 868 00:43:54,261 --> 00:43:55,741 [corporal] And I said, you're going nowhere. 869 00:43:55,820 --> 00:43:57,780 No one leaves till their blood tests are cleared. 870 00:43:57,860 --> 00:43:59,941 -We're all vegetarians. -We're not, are we? 871 00:44:00,661 --> 00:44:03,300 No, son, and neither's the other 100 over there. 872 00:44:06,221 --> 00:44:08,461 Cheers, Clinton. What you like, you? 873 00:44:08,820 --> 00:44:09,860 Me real dad. 874 00:44:17,741 --> 00:44:22,661 [indistinct chatter over radio] 875 00:44:26,380 --> 00:44:28,421 [Karen] Has it got warmer, or is it just me? 876 00:44:29,941 --> 00:44:31,141 I think it's dropping, to be honest. 877 00:44:32,541 --> 00:44:33,941 [Karen] I think it's all the tension. 878 00:44:47,741 --> 00:44:48,701 [soldier moans] 879 00:44:55,141 --> 00:44:56,261 -[crash] -[Marty yelps] 880 00:45:05,141 --> 00:45:07,021 [soldier] I'll tell you what, Colchester's all right. 881 00:45:07,621 --> 00:45:10,181 I mean, anywhere's lonely at Christmas doing this job, you know what I mean? 882 00:45:11,501 --> 00:45:13,421 I'll tell you something, it's better than Basra. 883 00:45:13,860 --> 00:45:16,701 Can't tell you how glad I was to get out of there. It's a right dump. 884 00:45:17,221 --> 00:45:18,860 I mean, it's a right dump now, innit? 885 00:45:19,461 --> 00:45:21,181 M-- Mind you, it's not as bad as round here. 886 00:45:21,261 --> 00:45:22,300 [groans] Oh, that's it. 887 00:45:23,021 --> 00:45:24,701 [over radio] Corporal Colap... 888 00:45:25,061 --> 00:45:27,981 [soldier] Sorry, babes. Shit! Gotta go. 889 00:45:28,061 --> 00:45:29,541 I'll speak to you later on, all right? 890 00:45:36,261 --> 00:45:37,101 All right. 891 00:45:48,261 --> 00:45:49,421 [inaudible] 892 00:46:02,941 --> 00:46:04,221 [brakes squeak] 893 00:46:06,101 --> 00:46:07,261 [Lip] Come on then, let's get him. 894 00:46:07,780 --> 00:46:09,661 We can be at St George's in ten minutes. 895 00:46:11,340 --> 00:46:13,141 I'll keep it running in case we have to shift it. 896 00:46:13,221 --> 00:46:14,181 All right. 897 00:46:21,981 --> 00:46:23,300 Stan! Found him! 898 00:46:23,380 --> 00:46:25,380 [crowd clamouring] 899 00:46:28,501 --> 00:46:29,701 [indistinct angry shouting] 900 00:46:33,581 --> 00:46:35,981 -You all right, sweetheart? -No, I feel sick. 901 00:46:36,380 --> 00:46:37,780 [Veronica] Yeah, we all do. 902 00:46:38,621 --> 00:46:40,061 I've got an old wheelchair next door. 903 00:46:40,141 --> 00:46:41,780 [Steve] No, it's all right, just get under his arm. 904 00:46:45,221 --> 00:46:47,340 [indistinct angry shouting] 905 00:46:48,581 --> 00:46:49,421 [Carl] Shit! It's Kev! 906 00:46:50,741 --> 00:46:52,061 Steve, Sheila needs you. 907 00:46:52,141 --> 00:46:55,021 Listen, put him back to bed and then go find a medic, all right? 908 00:47:00,780 --> 00:47:01,661 Fuck off! 909 00:47:02,900 --> 00:47:05,621 That was my mother, you twat. I'm gonna have your neck off! 910 00:47:06,101 --> 00:47:08,461 It wasn't me! You're joking. Fuck's sake, Stan! 911 00:47:09,021 --> 00:47:10,421 [crowd clamouring] 912 00:47:16,741 --> 00:47:17,581 Calm down! 913 00:47:18,380 --> 00:47:19,780 What good's this doing anyone? 914 00:47:19,860 --> 00:47:22,101 You watch, all right? Get off! 915 00:47:23,300 --> 00:47:24,581 [Tony] Calm right down! 916 00:47:24,780 --> 00:47:28,061 Oi! Back off, or one of you's getting this! 917 00:47:28,780 --> 00:47:30,501 -Veronica, get off it. -Look what he's done! 918 00:47:31,101 --> 00:47:33,421 People dropping like fucking flies. 919 00:47:33,501 --> 00:47:35,261 Yeah, so why aren't you blaming the army? 920 00:47:35,340 --> 00:47:36,941 [Lillian] We didn't buy it off the army! 921 00:47:37,141 --> 00:47:39,261 [Lip] And we didn't bloody load it with anthrax, or whatever it is. 922 00:47:39,340 --> 00:47:40,300 Anthrax? 923 00:47:40,780 --> 00:47:42,501 -Are you serious? -[Lip] I don't know. 924 00:47:42,581 --> 00:47:44,501 But it's their fault because the army put it there. 925 00:47:44,581 --> 00:47:45,741 Ask him. 926 00:47:46,661 --> 00:47:47,501 Me? Why me? 927 00:47:48,021 --> 00:47:50,261 For fuck's sake, Tony! None of this is down to us. 928 00:47:50,941 --> 00:47:52,981 -Ask him! -Will you listen? Right. 929 00:47:53,061 --> 00:47:55,860 Just listen. The lad's right. Nearly right. 930 00:47:56,181 --> 00:47:58,300 All this shit's got a lot more to do with the army 931 00:47:58,380 --> 00:47:59,621 than anything to do with this lot. 932 00:47:59,780 --> 00:48:00,741 [Hippy Pete] Deliberately? 933 00:48:00,820 --> 00:48:03,621 Look, the army's the only place you're gonna get a vaccine. 934 00:48:03,981 --> 00:48:05,300 Tell 'em, Tony. 935 00:48:06,101 --> 00:48:07,820 [Hippy Pete] They said there wasn't one. 936 00:48:07,900 --> 00:48:09,820 That's what they told us, but I reckon they're bullshitting. 937 00:48:10,701 --> 00:48:12,261 Fuck would you know, Gallagher? 938 00:48:12,340 --> 00:48:14,380 What if they're just waiting to see what happens, eh? 939 00:48:16,780 --> 00:48:19,820 -So there is a vaccine? -He's telling you what we think. 940 00:48:20,061 --> 00:48:21,261 And we know more than most. 941 00:48:27,380 --> 00:48:28,541 Oh, fuck. 942 00:48:28,621 --> 00:48:31,181 [Hippy Pete] Come on! Come on! 943 00:48:32,181 --> 00:48:34,021 -This is our estate, not yours! -[men cheering] 944 00:48:34,101 --> 00:48:37,141 Givin' us anthrax. We'll give you anthrax! 945 00:48:37,461 --> 00:48:39,860 Come on. This is the Chatsworth Estate, 946 00:48:40,300 --> 00:48:41,741 and we're taking it back! 947 00:48:42,021 --> 00:48:45,820 We've had enough of the army and the police coming down here. 948 00:48:46,221 --> 00:48:47,701 It's a redemption song! 949 00:48:48,061 --> 00:48:50,421 Jah Rastafari! 950 00:48:50,501 --> 00:48:51,461 [breathing heavily] 951 00:48:51,541 --> 00:48:53,741 -Give me a consonant. -C. 952 00:48:54,300 --> 00:48:56,221 -Give me a vowel. -U. 953 00:48:57,421 --> 00:48:59,820 -Give me another consonant. -N. 954 00:48:59,900 --> 00:49:02,021 [Lip] How are we gonna get Ian out now we've lost the truck? 955 00:49:02,101 --> 00:49:04,340 [Fiona] Dunno, Lip. Is nobody up there with him? 956 00:49:04,541 --> 00:49:05,461 I'll go up. 957 00:49:06,181 --> 00:49:08,421 Give me another consonant, Carol! 958 00:49:08,780 --> 00:49:10,981 -[groans] -[sobs] T. 959 00:49:11,621 --> 00:49:13,061 -[Veronica] Are you all right? -[Ian groans] 960 00:49:13,141 --> 00:49:15,300 [Veronica] Look, kid, if you throw up, I can't help you. 961 00:49:15,380 --> 00:49:18,101 [screams] I want Frank! 962 00:49:18,181 --> 00:49:19,900 [indistinct clamouring] 963 00:49:19,981 --> 00:49:22,541 [Frank] Life under President Blair! 964 00:49:23,340 --> 00:49:26,141 [commander] Could you please all return to your homes? 965 00:49:26,221 --> 00:49:28,181 -Get out of it. -[crowd clamouring] 966 00:49:28,261 --> 00:49:30,501 [commander] The situation is under control. 967 00:49:30,581 --> 00:49:32,061 [Hippy Pete] We'll take you to the White House! 968 00:49:32,141 --> 00:49:33,221 [Frank] Not in my name! 969 00:49:33,300 --> 00:49:34,900 -[Hippy Pete] We don't want-- -[commander] Quiet! 970 00:49:34,981 --> 00:49:36,900 [Hippy Pete] We're not having it on this estate anymore. 971 00:49:36,981 --> 00:49:39,860 -[commander] Can you please... -Let us go. We've heard it, 972 00:49:39,941 --> 00:49:41,860 straight from the fucking horse's mouth. 973 00:49:42,101 --> 00:49:44,061 You know a lot more than you're telling us, 974 00:49:44,141 --> 00:49:45,181 and we've had enough! 975 00:49:45,261 --> 00:49:46,581 [crowd shouting indistinctly] 976 00:49:48,021 --> 00:49:50,261 You know why they call 'em "fatigues"? 977 00:49:50,780 --> 00:49:52,820 'Cause we're sick of the fuckin' sight of ya! 978 00:49:52,900 --> 00:49:54,581 [cheering] 979 00:49:55,300 --> 00:49:58,340 -Stopping vital deliveries! -[all cheer] 980 00:49:59,340 --> 00:50:01,741 While the rest of us are just... 981 00:50:04,261 --> 00:50:05,300 You know, thingy-ing... 982 00:50:06,820 --> 00:50:07,900 Baby Jesus. 983 00:50:14,541 --> 00:50:16,420 Well, I've been on the blower to Brussels... 984 00:50:17,300 --> 00:50:18,981 and you are all sacked! 985 00:50:19,900 --> 00:50:21,420 [crowd clamouring] 986 00:50:27,581 --> 00:50:29,701 Who threw that? Oi! You! 987 00:50:30,420 --> 00:50:34,581 [commander] Could you please just shut the fuck up? 988 00:50:37,101 --> 00:50:38,981 While you've been making your lives 989 00:50:39,061 --> 00:50:40,820 a lot more difficult... 990 00:50:42,061 --> 00:50:44,380 for yourselves and the rest of us, 991 00:50:45,021 --> 00:50:47,701 people have been working round the clock 992 00:50:48,061 --> 00:50:49,661 to find the solution. 993 00:50:51,101 --> 00:50:54,541 The contamination has been identified. 994 00:50:55,261 --> 00:50:57,541 Vaccines are already being administered 995 00:50:57,621 --> 00:51:00,021 to high-priority cases as I speak. 996 00:51:00,780 --> 00:51:03,420 They'll be with you as soon as possible, 997 00:51:04,181 --> 00:51:08,501 but until they arrive, will you please continue 998 00:51:08,581 --> 00:51:11,420 to just shut the fuck up? 999 00:51:13,061 --> 00:51:14,461 I don't like his tone. 1000 00:51:18,501 --> 00:51:19,820 [Frank mutters] Guantanamo Bay. 1001 00:51:23,221 --> 00:51:25,741 [Ian] No, I don't care. Leave me alone. 1002 00:51:26,021 --> 00:51:28,340 -Leave me alone. -[medic] Ian, I have to do this. 1003 00:51:28,780 --> 00:51:31,340 It takes less than a minute if you just keep still. 1004 00:51:31,420 --> 00:51:33,221 [Fiona] Come on, Ian, no one's messing about now. 1005 00:51:33,300 --> 00:51:35,661 -He knows what he's doing. -I don't care. Fuck off. 1006 00:51:35,741 --> 00:51:37,141 -Pin him down. -[Ian] No! 1007 00:51:37,661 --> 00:51:38,981 -[Debbie] Kev. -[medic] Look, 1008 00:51:39,541 --> 00:51:40,380 it's pretty heavy. 1009 00:51:40,461 --> 00:51:42,340 It'll hurt when it goes in a little bit. 1010 00:51:42,420 --> 00:51:44,141 -[Lip] Shit! -[medic] Bit of a dead leg. 1011 00:51:44,221 --> 00:51:46,741 But I promise you it's effective. 1012 00:51:46,820 --> 00:51:48,261 [all groan] 1013 00:51:49,340 --> 00:51:52,541 [Ian screams] 1014 00:51:54,061 --> 00:51:56,141 You fucking bastard! 1015 00:51:56,701 --> 00:51:57,900 [screams] 1016 00:51:59,181 --> 00:52:00,261 [groans] 1017 00:52:01,501 --> 00:52:04,461 [medic] Now, if you keep his leg moving, it'll circulate it. 1018 00:52:04,541 --> 00:52:06,261 -He'll be fine. -Honestly? 1019 00:52:06,501 --> 00:52:08,021 [medic] Just keep his leg moving. 1020 00:52:13,741 --> 00:52:14,621 [Kev] Ian, mate. 1021 00:52:15,820 --> 00:52:17,380 I can't tell you how sorry I am. 1022 00:52:20,541 --> 00:52:21,661 [Ian] Oh, you can, Kev. 1023 00:52:22,941 --> 00:52:23,900 Try. 1024 00:52:28,141 --> 00:52:29,780 -[Sheila grunts] -[Carl] Got any more pans? 1025 00:52:33,621 --> 00:52:34,461 Shit. 1026 00:52:35,860 --> 00:52:37,021 [Sheila panting quickly] 1027 00:52:39,621 --> 00:52:42,820 -[Fiona] Shit. What now? -We got any fuse wire? 1028 00:52:43,380 --> 00:52:45,181 [Sheila] Give us another consonant. 1029 00:52:46,420 --> 00:52:47,261 [Fiona] L. 1030 00:52:47,581 --> 00:52:49,420 [Debbie] I don't know what you're boiling water for, Carl. 1031 00:52:50,380 --> 00:52:51,741 [screams] Mother of God! 1032 00:52:51,820 --> 00:52:53,981 No, Sheila, you only do that when you're actually 1033 00:52:54,061 --> 00:52:57,581 -getting a contraction. -[laughing] Oh, yeah, sorry. 1034 00:52:57,661 --> 00:52:59,420 I'm all over the place, aren't I? 1035 00:52:59,501 --> 00:53:00,860 [panting] 1036 00:53:01,061 --> 00:53:03,820 -Give us a couple of vowels -A. I. 1037 00:53:04,900 --> 00:53:06,981 -You're getting one now. -Boy or girl? 1038 00:53:07,061 --> 00:53:08,461 [Steve] I thought you said it was a boy! 1039 00:53:08,541 --> 00:53:09,541 Oh, yeah! 1040 00:53:10,181 --> 00:53:13,380 And I meant a contraction. Five, four, three, two, one. 1041 00:53:13,461 --> 00:53:16,900 -[grunts] -[all] Come on, Sheila! 1042 00:53:17,261 --> 00:53:18,461 [screams] Lunatic! 1043 00:53:18,981 --> 00:53:21,340 [laughs] 1044 00:53:21,741 --> 00:53:24,141 I've never had seven letters before! 1045 00:53:24,340 --> 00:53:25,820 [all laughing] 1046 00:53:26,061 --> 00:53:26,941 [Marty grunts] 1047 00:53:27,780 --> 00:53:30,061 [Sheila panting, screaming] 1048 00:53:32,380 --> 00:53:33,340 [doorbell ringing] 1049 00:53:37,021 --> 00:53:39,981 [Umi] That's it, Sheila. It wasn't for nothing. 1050 00:53:40,661 --> 00:53:45,261 -It's a boy. You have a son! -[Fiona] He's beautiful. 1051 00:53:45,981 --> 00:53:47,780 -[baby crying] -[Sheila laughing] 1052 00:53:51,300 --> 00:53:53,181 Oh, jeez, is that what they come out looking like? 1053 00:53:53,621 --> 00:53:55,261 Mine were both a bit smoother than that. 1054 00:53:55,461 --> 00:53:57,621 No offence, Sheila. Congratulations. 1055 00:53:57,820 --> 00:53:58,780 [baby cries] 1056 00:54:03,300 --> 00:54:05,661 [Carol] Where's Frank, anyway? 1057 00:54:08,101 --> 00:54:09,221 Slag! [coughs] 1058 00:54:09,860 --> 00:54:11,541 [baby cries] 1059 00:54:13,101 --> 00:54:15,941 [choral music playing] 1060 00:54:26,741 --> 00:54:28,541 [baby crying] 1061 00:54:30,701 --> 00:54:33,900 Bombs on planes and contaminated meat at, uh... 1062 00:54:35,461 --> 00:54:37,300 You know, thingy. Little baby Jesus. 1063 00:54:37,380 --> 00:54:38,900 It's fucking ridiculous. 1064 00:54:40,141 --> 00:54:41,300 Who suffers? 1065 00:54:43,021 --> 00:54:44,461 The likes of us, that's who. 1066 00:54:44,541 --> 00:54:47,420 I mean, what have we done wrong apart from fixing the odd meter, 1067 00:54:47,501 --> 00:54:49,181 ringing the odd car. I said to Conrad, 1068 00:54:49,621 --> 00:54:52,420 call 'em all you want, if they all went on strike, 1069 00:54:52,501 --> 00:54:56,261 we'd be legless. You know, shops, hospitals, 1070 00:54:56,340 --> 00:54:59,820 the entire fucking transport system. 1071 00:55:00,900 --> 00:55:04,621 If every immigrant on this sceptred isle 1072 00:55:04,701 --> 00:55:07,981 downed tools for one day-- one day... 1073 00:55:08,780 --> 00:55:11,981 we'd come to a total fucking standstill. 1074 00:55:13,541 --> 00:55:15,661 Then they'd really have us by the balls. 1075 00:55:16,021 --> 00:55:17,581 [laughs] Know what I mean? 1076 00:55:19,581 --> 00:55:22,941 Hey, but don't let that go giving you any ideas, Gandhi. 1077 00:55:24,021 --> 00:55:26,061 Otherwise, you know, we'll have, uh-- 1078 00:55:26,141 --> 00:55:27,101 What's his name? 1079 00:55:28,021 --> 00:55:30,780 [mumbles] You know, Kilroy, on your doorstep, 1080 00:55:31,221 --> 00:55:35,340 pestering you for the vote. Yack, yack, fucking yack. 1081 00:55:37,181 --> 00:55:38,221 Nightmare. 1082 00:55:52,741 --> 00:55:54,181 -Shouldn't you be lying down? -[Ian] No. 1083 00:55:55,420 --> 00:55:56,900 I don't wanna be in this room anymore. 1084 00:55:57,780 --> 00:55:59,221 Medic said I should stretch my legs, anyway. 1085 00:56:01,221 --> 00:56:03,461 So, how come you never phoned me to tell me how ill you were? 1086 00:56:03,541 --> 00:56:06,300 Too hot, too tired. I couldn't be fucked. 1087 00:56:08,221 --> 00:56:11,860 Look, if I'm in the way between you and Yvonne, just say so. 1088 00:56:12,860 --> 00:56:15,780 Yvonne has been good to us. You know, we should be grateful. 1089 00:56:17,261 --> 00:56:20,541 Me for the kids and you for the wages... 1090 00:56:21,581 --> 00:56:22,981 and the pair of us because she never put out 1091 00:56:23,061 --> 00:56:24,621 -a gay-bashing fatwa. -[chuckles] 1092 00:56:25,981 --> 00:56:27,741 She could have ended all this and she ain't. 1093 00:56:29,621 --> 00:56:31,101 She's far from perfect... 1094 00:56:32,581 --> 00:56:33,541 but neither are we. 1095 00:56:34,300 --> 00:56:36,420 [indistinct chatter from downstairs] 1096 00:56:37,300 --> 00:56:39,101 [Ian] So what did you get me for Christmas? 1097 00:56:39,181 --> 00:56:41,261 [Kash] Uh, slippers with built in headlamps. 1098 00:56:41,340 --> 00:56:42,701 -[Ian laughs] Fuck off! -[Kash] Yeah, 1099 00:56:42,780 --> 00:56:44,420 -and what did you get me? -[Ian] Penis enlarger. 1100 00:56:44,501 --> 00:56:45,420 [Kash] Dickhead! 1101 00:56:47,981 --> 00:56:49,701 -[Carl] Same goes for you! -Me? 1102 00:56:49,780 --> 00:56:51,141 -Yeah, you! -[Veronica] Oh, yeah? 1103 00:56:51,221 --> 00:56:53,581 -I don't like your bathroom. -Well stay out of it then, 1104 00:56:53,661 --> 00:56:55,581 -smelly arse! -Oh, leave him alone, he's tanked. 1105 00:56:55,661 --> 00:56:57,541 -Who let him get like that? -[Lip] She did. 1106 00:56:57,621 --> 00:57:00,021 [Veronica] We're just celebrating the fact that you're not dead, Ian. 1107 00:57:00,101 --> 00:57:01,621 [Lip] Come on, Carl, drink this. 1108 00:57:01,900 --> 00:57:04,900 -And you, you robbin' bastard! -Carl, cut it out. 1109 00:57:04,981 --> 00:57:07,860 -How much is a Twix meant to be? -[Kash] 49p. 1110 00:57:08,181 --> 00:57:10,261 So how much is a quarter of midget gems meant to be? 1111 00:57:10,340 --> 00:57:12,101 -Twenty-eight pence. -Yeah! 1112 00:57:12,181 --> 00:57:14,261 So how much is it meant to come to then, you robbing bastard? 1113 00:57:14,340 --> 00:57:16,981 -[Ian] Carl, I'm warning you! -Seventy-seven pence. 1114 00:57:17,061 --> 00:57:20,741 -No it's not, it's 77! -Yeah. I said 77 pence. 1115 00:57:21,101 --> 00:57:21,940 Did you? 1116 00:57:23,101 --> 00:57:26,541 Okay. Sorry. Sorry, Kash. I love your shop. 1117 00:57:26,621 --> 00:57:28,780 And your daughter is a stunner. 1118 00:57:29,261 --> 00:57:30,101 [bell tolls] 1119 00:57:30,581 --> 00:57:33,261 [vicar] Will you, Carl Francis Gallagher, 1120 00:57:33,340 --> 00:57:36,261 take Meena Karib to be your lawful wedded wife? 1121 00:57:36,621 --> 00:57:38,501 Will you love her, cherish her... 1122 00:57:46,940 --> 00:57:48,420 [Sheila, breathing heavily] Oh, Frank. 1123 00:57:49,300 --> 00:57:50,820 It's Nigel. 1124 00:57:52,181 --> 00:57:53,261 Little Nigel. 1125 00:57:54,181 --> 00:57:55,741 -[Frank] Is it? -[Sheila] Yeah. 1126 00:57:55,820 --> 00:57:57,141 Where the bloody hell have you been? 1127 00:57:57,340 --> 00:57:59,181 -[Sheila coos] -[Frank] Couple of riots. 1128 00:57:59,981 --> 00:58:00,900 Pub. 1129 00:58:06,701 --> 00:58:08,101 [Sheila chuckling] 1130 00:58:14,940 --> 00:58:16,141 Where's Nigel come from? 1131 00:58:17,581 --> 00:58:18,621 [Sheila] Little Nigel. 1132 00:58:19,340 --> 00:58:20,461 Little Delia. 1133 00:58:21,860 --> 00:58:22,820 What is it? 1134 00:58:22,900 --> 00:58:25,661 [Umi] It's okay, Frank, it is a boy! [claps excitedly] 1135 00:58:29,300 --> 00:58:31,380 -[Fiona] What now? -[Sheila panting] 1136 00:58:31,621 --> 00:58:32,780 What's happening to her? 1137 00:58:32,860 --> 00:58:34,860 I don't know. Sheila? 1138 00:58:35,541 --> 00:58:36,661 The baby's here. 1139 00:58:36,741 --> 00:58:39,661 [Sheila] It's twins. Mind your backs. 1140 00:58:40,461 --> 00:58:44,261 -Here comes Delia! -[Debbie] No way! 1141 00:58:44,741 --> 00:58:47,661 [Sheila] It's a surprise for Frank. All right, Frank? 1142 00:58:47,741 --> 00:58:48,741 It's a surprise! 1143 00:58:51,061 --> 00:58:52,420 [sirens wailing] 1144 00:58:52,501 --> 00:58:53,741 [church bells ringing] 1145 00:58:53,820 --> 00:58:56,061 [helicopter blades whirring] 1146 00:58:57,501 --> 00:58:58,701 [car door opens] 1147 00:59:01,021 --> 00:59:02,300 [car door shuts] 1148 00:59:13,021 --> 00:59:13,940 [soldier] All right, next? 1149 00:59:19,940 --> 00:59:20,820 All right. 1150 00:59:22,541 --> 00:59:25,181 Right, you're not shoving that down me till I know what's in it. 1151 00:59:26,101 --> 00:59:30,181 It's just an antibiotic coagulant in a zinc phosphate-based emulsion. 1152 00:59:30,261 --> 00:59:31,221 Oh, right you are! 1153 00:59:43,900 --> 00:59:46,820 Actually, I think I've had this one before. 1154 00:59:58,181 --> 00:59:59,300 [indistinct chatter] 1155 00:59:59,940 --> 01:00:01,780 -The happy one's here. -Quick, quick. 1156 01:00:03,181 --> 01:00:04,541 [all cheer] 1157 01:00:06,221 --> 01:00:08,501 I know that's mine! I know that's mine! 1158 01:00:09,181 --> 01:00:10,261 [babies crying] 1159 01:00:10,860 --> 01:00:15,501 -[man] Done well there, Frank. -[Frank] Get fucked. Tosser. 1160 01:00:28,820 --> 01:00:30,820 [all cheering] 1161 01:00:35,380 --> 01:00:37,380 -What is that? -Right, who's next? 1162 01:00:37,701 --> 01:00:38,820 [Lip] Come on, Carl. 1163 01:00:39,501 --> 01:00:40,661 [Debbie] Hurry up! 1164 01:00:40,741 --> 01:00:43,021 -[Lip] Woah! -Cheers, Fiona. 1165 01:00:43,101 --> 01:00:44,701 [all laughing] 1166 01:00:45,061 --> 01:00:46,701 [Lip] Come on, everyone... 1167 01:00:49,701 --> 01:00:50,940 [Lip] What've you got? What've you got? 1168 01:00:51,021 --> 01:00:54,101 Whoa! A microscope. 1169 01:00:56,780 --> 01:00:58,300 [laughs] 1170 01:00:59,820 --> 01:01:02,621 [Lip] An arse-and-face towel! Let's have a look. 1171 01:01:04,581 --> 01:01:05,780 [Fiona] Arse-face! 1172 01:01:07,461 --> 01:01:08,380 [Steve] Oi, Ian... 1173 01:01:08,940 --> 01:01:10,061 [Lip] Go on, try 'em on... 1174 01:01:10,581 --> 01:01:11,981 [Carl] Here, who's that off, for you? 1175 01:01:12,061 --> 01:01:14,420 [Ian] It's from Kash and Yvonne. 1176 01:01:17,820 --> 01:01:18,820 [Lip] No way. 1177 01:01:18,900 --> 01:01:21,340 [Debbie] Get you, Ian. What are you? Employee of the month? 1178 01:01:22,101 --> 01:01:23,101 [Lip] What you on about? 1179 01:01:24,501 --> 01:01:25,501 Woah. 1180 01:01:26,820 --> 01:01:27,780 [Steve] Hope you like it. 1181 01:01:28,820 --> 01:01:29,661 [whispers] Wow. 1182 01:01:39,621 --> 01:01:42,141 -[all cheer] -[Lip] Good one, that. 1183 01:01:44,061 --> 01:01:45,340 -[Lip] Hello! -[Sheila] Hiya! 1184 01:01:46,061 --> 01:01:47,820 [laughs] Happy Christmas! 1185 01:01:50,300 --> 01:01:52,061 -[Debbie] Hurry up! -[wrapping paper tearing] 1186 01:01:52,741 --> 01:01:54,741 -Happy Christmas! -[Debbie] Happy Christmas. 1187 01:01:55,501 --> 01:01:57,581 What did you get? Let's have a look what you got. 1188 01:01:58,780 --> 01:02:00,541 -[Steve] Merry Christmas. -[Sheila] Happy Christmas! 1189 01:02:01,261 --> 01:02:03,780 -Did you see Santa? -[Ian] Come on, it's Christmas. 1190 01:02:18,541 --> 01:02:20,300 -[knocks] -[Fiona] It's open. 1191 01:02:21,661 --> 01:02:23,701 [Debbie] Can I share your mirror? They're really bugging me. 1192 01:02:23,780 --> 01:02:24,701 [Fiona sighs] 1193 01:02:27,061 --> 01:02:28,820 -Thanks for the present. -Suits you. 1194 01:02:29,940 --> 01:02:32,141 -Did you like yours? -Yeah. 1195 01:02:34,501 --> 01:02:38,181 Look, I know why you never enjoy this time of year. 1196 01:02:40,780 --> 01:02:44,261 'Cause Christmas is when Mum left. 1197 01:02:46,420 --> 01:02:47,261 So? 1198 01:02:48,261 --> 01:02:50,141 -Not that? -No. 1199 01:02:52,981 --> 01:02:55,780 'Cause Christmas is when Dad first got sent down? 1200 01:02:57,661 --> 01:02:58,501 No! 1201 01:02:59,780 --> 01:03:02,141 'Cause it's when you got expelled from St Helen's? 1202 01:03:03,380 --> 01:03:04,340 Big deal! 1203 01:03:05,101 --> 01:03:06,340 What's with the face? 1204 01:03:08,141 --> 01:03:09,621 I've started my periods. 1205 01:03:11,820 --> 01:03:13,741 -When? -Last night. 1206 01:03:14,820 --> 01:03:17,661 -You're too young. -I'm not the first in our year. 1207 01:03:19,300 --> 01:03:20,701 Why didn't you come to me? 1208 01:03:21,780 --> 01:03:24,340 -I told Yvonne in the shop. -Rather than me? 1209 01:03:24,820 --> 01:03:27,900 No, 'cause I had to buy... stuff. 1210 01:03:28,701 --> 01:03:30,860 [Yvonne] Never apologise for the anger, Debbie. 1211 01:03:31,340 --> 01:03:33,501 Feel it in your womb and learn to use it. 1212 01:03:33,940 --> 01:03:35,501 Otherwise you'll go bleedin' nuts. 1213 01:03:35,581 --> 01:03:36,581 [door bell rings] 1214 01:03:37,021 --> 01:03:39,101 You! Out! You're barred! 1215 01:03:39,701 --> 01:03:41,900 And anyway, you were busy. 1216 01:03:46,101 --> 01:03:48,420 I am never too busy to talk to you, sweetheart. 1217 01:03:49,061 --> 01:03:51,061 You can come to me with anything, you know that. 1218 01:03:55,541 --> 01:03:57,300 I'm way too old for that microscope. 1219 01:03:58,300 --> 01:04:01,340 If I can persuade Carl it's worth double what you paid, 1220 01:04:01,860 --> 01:04:04,101 would you be offended if I had his leather jacket? 1221 01:04:04,541 --> 01:04:08,021 No. Yeah. He loves that jacket. 1222 01:04:08,380 --> 01:04:10,820 Yeah, but not if I told him he looks a bit gay. 1223 01:04:12,780 --> 01:04:15,940 Okay. But don't wipe the floor with him. 1224 01:04:16,300 --> 01:04:18,860 Course not. I'll make him think it's his idea. 1225 01:04:19,300 --> 01:04:20,340 [sighs] 1226 01:04:40,380 --> 01:04:43,780 [Veronica] Oi! I asked you to keep an eye on the veg, 1227 01:04:43,860 --> 01:04:45,820 not plan your next bleeding bonfire. 1228 01:04:45,900 --> 01:04:48,061 All right, bi-i-nuh. 1229 01:04:48,860 --> 01:04:50,661 Yeah? Just listen to the sounds, mate. 1230 01:04:50,741 --> 01:04:52,501 All right, here we go. Buh-i-nuh. 1231 01:04:54,420 --> 01:04:56,621 -Banana! -Jesus, no! 1232 01:04:57,300 --> 01:05:00,501 -Just listen to the sounds, Kev. -See! What did I say? 1233 01:05:01,021 --> 01:05:03,860 Losing your rag won't help, will it? Just makes me feel like a complete prick. 1234 01:05:03,940 --> 01:05:05,741 [Steve] Uh, look, I'm really sorry, Kev. 1235 01:05:05,820 --> 01:05:08,021 Let's just start from the beginning. B-- 1236 01:05:08,101 --> 01:05:09,741 I'm going round ours to get some more beers. 1237 01:05:10,900 --> 01:05:12,340 Fucking hell! Will someone please make sure 1238 01:05:12,420 --> 01:05:13,981 I'm not sitting next to him at the table? 1239 01:05:14,061 --> 01:05:15,820 I tried giving him lessons yonks back. 1240 01:05:15,900 --> 01:05:18,300 Me an' all. I gave him an hour, then I said me best friend 1241 01:05:18,380 --> 01:05:19,621 had died so I had to go home. 1242 01:05:20,541 --> 01:05:21,981 Lip, Ian... 1243 01:05:23,940 --> 01:05:24,900 Give us a hand. 1244 01:05:33,101 --> 01:05:34,261 [Ian] Why, what do you need? 1245 01:05:36,860 --> 01:05:38,181 [baby cooing] 1246 01:05:39,820 --> 01:05:40,981 Trestle... 1247 01:05:41,581 --> 01:05:43,061 Go and fetch a trestle table from ours. 1248 01:05:43,501 --> 01:05:45,300 Then nip round for Veronica's chairs. 1249 01:05:45,900 --> 01:05:47,221 -[Lip] How many are we? -Too many! 1250 01:05:47,661 --> 01:05:49,141 -Twelve. -[Ian] Thirteen. 1251 01:05:49,621 --> 01:05:51,860 -Dad's not hungry. -Yeah, but you'll be joining us 1252 01:05:51,940 --> 01:05:53,621 at the table, won't you, Frank? 1253 01:05:53,701 --> 01:05:57,300 -Get fucked. -Now I'm not having that. 1254 01:05:57,940 --> 01:05:59,860 Proud new father. 1255 01:06:00,501 --> 01:06:07,101 Get Frank a chair. Centre table. Where you belong, darling. 1256 01:06:15,940 --> 01:06:19,420 Debbie! Go and see if you can find Dad summat decent to wear. 1257 01:06:20,860 --> 01:06:22,621 [both] Not from my room! 1258 01:06:23,101 --> 01:06:24,741 -Come on. -You're filthy. 1259 01:06:29,900 --> 01:06:32,340 For what we are about to receive, 1260 01:06:32,420 --> 01:06:35,860 may the Lord our God make us a little bit more thankful 1261 01:06:35,940 --> 01:06:37,661 than we might otherwise have been. 1262 01:06:38,420 --> 01:06:42,501 May he grant us wealth, and peace, and happiness, 1263 01:06:42,860 --> 01:06:43,820 and wealth. 1264 01:06:44,621 --> 01:06:47,420 Plus, thanks for Pepe's resurrection. 1265 01:06:47,501 --> 01:06:48,860 -[Marty barks] -[all laugh] 1266 01:06:50,380 --> 01:06:51,820 [Chaplain] In the name of the Father, the Son 1267 01:06:51,900 --> 01:06:52,981 and the Holy Spirit, amen. 1268 01:06:53,501 --> 01:06:55,541 We have entrusted our dearly beloved brother 1269 01:06:55,621 --> 01:06:57,780 to God's merciful keeping and now commit his body to the-- 1270 01:06:57,860 --> 01:06:59,021 -[dog barks] -[chaplain] What? 1271 01:07:00,581 --> 01:07:02,940 [Carol] You heard me, O Lord, in my hour of need... 1272 01:07:04,021 --> 01:07:06,581 crying like a baby for my baby. 1273 01:07:07,101 --> 01:07:08,380 [Ian laughs] 1274 01:07:08,460 --> 01:07:11,420 -[Frank] Fuck's sake! -We're not religious. 1275 01:07:11,820 --> 01:07:13,181 I'm not finished. 1276 01:07:15,021 --> 01:07:17,380 No wonder you're all plagued by misfortune. 1277 01:07:17,900 --> 01:07:18,981 [laughs] 1278 01:07:19,061 --> 01:07:21,701 And thanks all the more for bringing me 1279 01:07:21,780 --> 01:07:23,300 and Marty back together. 1280 01:07:24,541 --> 01:07:29,981 For uniting my babies at this special time with these special people. 1281 01:07:30,860 --> 01:07:33,261 If you do your best for peace and wealth, 1282 01:07:33,780 --> 01:07:35,420 I'll work my socks off for you. 1283 01:07:35,741 --> 01:07:37,460 -Amen. -[all] Amen. 1284 01:07:37,541 --> 01:07:41,061 Come on, everybody, let's eat! Happy Christmas! 1285 01:07:41,141 --> 01:07:43,621 -[all cheer] -[indistinct chatter] 1286 01:07:48,460 --> 01:07:49,701 Come on, Deb, get your party hat on. 1287 01:07:53,061 --> 01:07:58,141 [Lip] Kev, Kev, have a pull on that. Kev, Kev? 1288 01:07:58,541 --> 01:08:01,221 [indistinct chatter] 1289 01:08:18,340 --> 01:08:20,181 -[Lip] Oh, here we go. -[Frank mumbling] 1290 01:08:22,181 --> 01:08:23,300 [glass clinking] 1291 01:08:23,821 --> 01:08:25,580 [Steve] Fuck's sake, Frank. 1292 01:08:25,660 --> 01:08:26,580 -What? -[Lip] Dad! 1293 01:08:26,660 --> 01:08:28,101 -Give us your drink. -[Steve] Hey! 1294 01:08:28,181 --> 01:08:29,580 Hey, Dad, I think you've had enough. 1295 01:08:29,660 --> 01:08:30,540 Oh! 1296 01:08:30,620 --> 01:08:35,420 No truer a word said. Too right. 1297 01:08:35,500 --> 01:08:39,181 'Cause as soon as the doctor's open 1298 01:08:39,261 --> 01:08:41,781 -I am havin' the snip. -[Debbie] Can I have ketchup? 1299 01:08:41,861 --> 01:08:45,061 -No, Frank! -Oh, fucking yes, Frank! 1300 01:08:48,380 --> 01:08:50,420 [music playing] 1301 01:09:29,620 --> 01:09:31,821 [Frank] Talk about taking it up the shitter! 1302 01:09:32,620 --> 01:09:34,540 Eight kids on half a wage. 1303 01:09:35,420 --> 01:09:38,660 What's that if it's not a total fucking ambush? 1304 01:09:43,221 --> 01:09:45,340 Oh, come on, Frank. 1305 01:09:45,741 --> 01:09:47,741 Starter for ten, no conferring. 1306 01:09:47,981 --> 01:09:49,700 Queens', can you take it? 1307 01:09:49,781 --> 01:09:51,901 What's David Carradine all about 1308 01:09:52,420 --> 01:09:55,421 if you learnt fuck all, eh? 1309 01:09:56,301 --> 01:09:59,501 Eh? Where's your grasshopper now, Frank? 1310 01:09:59,741 --> 01:10:01,381 Snip-snip-fucking-snip! 1311 01:10:02,501 --> 01:10:04,421 [thunder rumbles] 1312 01:10:05,421 --> 01:10:06,781 [wheelchair buzzes] 1313 01:10:07,781 --> 01:10:09,381 -[wheelchair buzzes] -[woman grunts] 1314 01:10:10,620 --> 01:10:13,540 [woman] Frozen chips, triple A batteries, 1315 01:10:13,781 --> 01:10:15,301 drinking chocolate...